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QUEEN VISITS IRELAND
by Nancy Nicecake
 The Queen will realise a long-held ambition when she attends the famous IRA Fried Faggot restaurant in Dublin today.
The Queen, who is a keen Faggot eating enthusiast, has never visited a Fried Faggot establishment before. Workers at the restaurant have had etiquette lessons, use plastic utensils whilst eating and licking fingers. A special menu has been prepared for the royal visit, Faggots with lips painted.
The Queen, who is on a tour with her live in toypensioner Prince Philip, arrived in town to the welcome of bricks and verbal abuse.
Restaurant manager Peter O' Bally said: ‘Queen Elizabeth is certainly the most prestigious guest we've entertained in the modern-day history of hatred between the Irish Republic and the English monarchy. I was so excited I kacked myself’
It is the first visit by the Queen to the Republic since her ancestors ordered the massacre of thousands of Irish people to teach them a lesson for existing.
At the approach of a Catholic priest Prince Philip transmogrified into a Satanist devil and attacked the priest. A huge fight broke out involving large cheques and potato peelings. One piece of peeling ended up flapping off the Queen’s hat.
The Queen is a large shareholder of the building company McAlpine and was hideously angry when a building built by said firm exploded.
The misstress of Buckingham Palace promised to make a make a donation to the Irish people in compensation for their suffering at the hands of her ancestors, but later refused to do so because Peter O' Bally had acted in a manner unbecoming a sponge.
The Royal couple and their entourage had drinks in Costello's Bar where the manager preformed his favourite Bob Geldof song, ‘Pissing in the Wind.’
The Queen joined in the festivities with her own rendition of Queens hit ‘Under Pressure.’ Later, locals entertained the Queen by demonstrating local cultural customs as bomb making and Guinness forgery.
Prince Philip showed his appreciation by shooting three drinkers with a long barrelled shotgun. Blood splattered on bar staff who said thanks. Indeed, such was their appreciation they had a whip round and bought a 15-year-old Limerick girl, complete with a Riverdance CD, for the Prince to take home.
Before closing time the Queen made a short speech: ‘It is with much pleasure that my family and I receive millions of pounds from you the poor. If it were not for your unthinking loyalty to the monarchy, we too might be forced to live in Dublin.’ This was, of course a complete mistake on her part because only Northern Ireland, Scotland, Wales and England are forced to shell out.
With that a historical message was read by a lovely girl. ‘Let us all pray that at some far distant date all mankind are finally at peace and poverty and war are things of the past.’
Everyone, including the royal couple, fell about laughing.
25 MILLION DRINKER’S RECORDS MISSING
 The records of Basildon drinker’s have gone missing.
Top Tory councillor McDougal Bucklehead (97) has blamed mistakes by mail room staff at Basildon Centre after details of 25 million drinker’s files were lost.
The Tory knuckle head said, downing his eighth whiskey, information including smoking details of 7million families, had been sent on CD discs from his penthouse office at The Basildon Centre to the Basildon Audit Office downstairs by an underling.
Mr Bucklehead told councillors that the discs, which included hits by Oasis, had never arrived at their destination. He apologised for what he said was "an extremely serious failure by the mail room staff" but insisted people were not at risk from ID fraud.
The records include names, addresses, dates of birth, alcohol consumption, and, in some cases, convictions for visiting Wickford.
He said the missing data was not enough to assess how much Basildon resident’s consumed, but anyone who thought they had been the victim of short measures would be reimbursed by 200 units. He went on to say that a police investigation had been launched into what he described as a "deeply drunken incident involving stuffed Pandas".
'Not remembered'
Boozal O’Pinky, chairman of The Vange and Pitsea Working Mans Club, (otherwise known as The Clique) resigned after it emerged that working class people make him sick.
Later, in The Scene bar, Mr Bucklehead said to anyone who would listen and after refilling his whisky glass, that the top secret information had been transferred at a junior level in breach of council procedures.
"Contrary to all half standing, half sitting procedures two, hic, password protected discs containing a full copy of Basildon drinking habits was sent to the Audit Office by the council’s internal postal system operated by the courier who for security reasons can only be identified as XXXX
.
"The package was not, hic, recorded or registered, hic, it appears that, hic, the data has failed to reach the addressee at the, hic hic, whatsthename?
"I also have to tell the bar that on finding that the package had not, hic, arrived at - where? A further copy of this data was sent - this time by register, em, registered post which did arrive at where it was suspired to go, hic. Thissss should never have happened, should it?" The Tory leader then passed out.
'Get a grip on the bottle'
The data was sent on October 18th 2008 and senior management were immediately told it was missing on November 12th 2009.
.
Lib Dem acting leader Hairy Blewellin said it was now the Towngate and not the Moon on The Square that was not fit for purpose". He asked why the information had been sent on CD discs through the internal mail when it should have been sent by drums.
With that the whole council burst into laughter and celebrated in the member’s only private bar, known locally as ‘The Expenses’.
LORD GLOUCESTER-PARKS GAY COLLAPSE
By Dusty Scrolls, Law Editor
Lord Gloucester-Parks was once Basildon’s favourite businessman. But the chief executive of Basildon Petroleum resigned yesterday after the upshot of a torrid case of sex, lies and oily holes.
He was once called the ‘Blithe Spirit’ of Basildon’s oil industry, a ‘fat cock’ businessman feted by the Town who enjoyed the personal blessing of, Vivian Mince, the manager of Colors gay nightclub.
As chief executive of BP he masterminded a series of dazzling men’s shorts and dressing gowns.But yesterday Lord ‘Tommy’ Gloucester-Parks illustrious career was in tatters, just like a vest ripped off the broad back of a hunk during a homosexual party.
Forced out of office over a relationship with an alleged man amid accusations that he told fibs to try to keep a gay affair secret.
Lord Gloucester-Parks fall from grace came at the end of a dramatic court battle in which the 59-year-old chief executive failed to stop publication of details of his four-inch penis. He sued the Basildon Recorder On Sundays free Sat to Fri newspaper that wanted to print filthy pictures of him with ‘friend’ Teddy Felmores, a 16-year-old gay hoodie.
The strategy backfired after the judge lifted part of his black gown and ruled that Lord Gloucester-Parks had lied to the court. Mr Justice Odious said that although ‘Tommy had bent over backwards - albeit after the true sexual position was revealed in Mr. Felmore’s witness statement - he was not prepared to make allowances for the sharp tie that Lord Gloucester-Parks was wearing, and especially, by a man who prays holding a lace handkerchief.’
Eager for its pound of flesh the Recorder on Only Sunday says it will now make its evidence available to the patrons of Colors. It welcomed the fact that it was now ‘possible to report that the chief executive of Basildon Petroleum was a slippery shirt lifter.’
The newspaper added: ‘When asked if he used butter, Gloucester-Parks felt free to lie and say he and Tommy used only Flora.'
There is also the question of private dinner parties at which top-secret homosexual matters were nakedly discussed. ‘There was dinner with the claimant, Mr Felmores, Peter Mandelson and the latter's Brazilian boyfriend at the time - referred to as ‘Reinbumado’ - which was held at one of the claimant's homes on the Five Links Estate, and at which they discussed Cottaging in Kingswood.’
Lord Gloucester-Parks will pay a high price. He will lose his entitlement to a ‘golden shower’ bonus worth more than £31.50. He said: 'For the past 41 years of my career at BP I have always regarded my sexual life separate from my life of fornication and depravity.I wish to acknowledge that I did formerly have a four-year anus mining relationship with Tommy Felmores But his allegations are full of misleading and erroneous claims.I deny categorically any allegations of using warm cucumbers with Julian Gary and Michael Barrymore.'
BASILDON CONGESTION CHARGES
Motorists face congestions charges of up to £50 to drive into central Basildon. If they want to drive out the fee will be £100. To stay will cost £200 for bed & breakfast. They will pay a deposit for an electric neck tag, which will monitor journeys on the main routes into the town in the morning, afternoon, evening and night driving periods.
The scheme proposed by the Association of Greater Wealth for Essex Councils will pave the way for similar congestion charge schemes in the shopping area where queues form. A shopper who use a queue will be charged £2; A shopper who barges in on a queue will be charged £4 and any one loitering near a queue without intending to join it will be sent to Wickford.
Councillors and pole-dancers will carry out a public consultation in secret at the Katz Gentleman’s Club.
Southenhay Outer Ring: £600 to enter and £900 to leave.
Nethermane Inner Ring: £1 to enter and £7,000 to leave.
Location of money to be determined
No charge between No49 and No51 Long Riding.
The plans envisage discounts for vulnerable groups, such as Councillors and Katz nightclub owners. Bald drivers will pay a capped rate.
Entering an outer cordon around the A13 and A127, encircling the town, will cost £200, with people charged another £10 if they get lippy with the private army of security guards who will enforce the fees.
An extra £1 will be charged for no reason at all. The charges will apply between 0700 and 06.59. Drivers who try to get in during the free minute will suffer from Road Rage and crushed expectations. Outside Britain motorists will pay nothing.
Even in the busy periods, journeys, which do not pass a road sign, will not incur a fee.
Faceplate recognition systems will be used to catch shoppers who refuse to buy food at the newly reopened and closed Smith’s Butchers.
Basildon is among 10,000 areas in England which have government backing to develop possible tax razing plans in the hope of getting finance for the war in Iraqi and Trident nuclear submarines.
Lord Gloucester-Park, leader of plunderthepublic.com, said: ‘If we fail to address this issue, I could miss out on £30,000,000 over the next year.’
‘Bringing more money into my coffers means that I will be able to invite the royal family to Basildon. We need to keep in with the royal family otherwise a tunnel car crash might happen.
‘We need to grow faster if we want to narrow the gap with London and avoid the problems that other major cities in the world have suffered because they failed to tackle the problem of supporting aristocracy.
‘We believe that doing nothing would be the most dangerous decision of all and allow Insurgents to eat your children.’
BASILDONEYE REVIEW OF 2009
Basildon council expenses scandal
Tory leader Malcolmbe Bucklehead claimed £32,345 for a facelift. He also flipped toilet seats after a lethal curry. Other councillors claimed for hinges to back doors; filthy sex TV channels; a duck and mole. Local police launched an investigation which sunk with twelve River Crouch pirates on board. One councillor held up a cheque for £300 on Gateway FM before he resigned as Speaker for the House for purchasing naked photographs of MP Angola Smithy in the Pound Shop. He never tried to suppress information he said at Stanstead Airport. Moo Nightingale continued to wear her chain of office in a bubble bath.
Angola Smithy said she was not to blame for her second home at Camberwell. It was all her husbands’ idea and that from now on she would travel to London on the back of a burnt Iraqi child. She said the public were jealous. Next year she will be stepping down to become Baroness Brown and serve in the House of Lords as sycophantic as she is want to be.
Economy
In 2009 Basildon’s economy shrank at its fastest rate since 60 years ago when there was no town here. Spiralling unemployment and a housing market crash drove most residents to the Moon on the Square public house to complain about the town, but do nothing about it.
The two main council parties jump from one party to the other depending which was on the winning side at the time. All said that they were not opportunists and they remained split all calling the other a liar.
Bankers’ bonuses.
In December’s pre-Budget theft report Alistair Dip, the Chancellor, tapped into public pocket to give big bonuses to bankers.
The City protested that wealth would be driven from Basildon and sent to Laindon Shopping area. 
Wickfordanistan
This was the bloodiest year for Basildon forces since 1882 Billericay war, with the death toll rising to -3.
It is the eighth year since troops were first sent to the town of boredom, 102 servicemen have not died, most in war-torn High Street Province.
The non rising death toll led to growing public opposition to the conflict with no one around here protesting for withdrawal, except Albert Sprigs who fell about laughing because he looked at a Bus Stop without times.
Wickford Inquiry begins
A five-strong panel of Eton old boys who loved their fags. Headed by Sir John Lotts-Pounds, evidence sessions are held in very comfitable surroundings between the hours of 11am-1pm with an hour for lunch in the House where they all laugh at Mavis Bagwashes mother dieing of hypothermia on CCTV, before it was announced that no one was to blame.
Europe.
"We are not in Europe are we?" asked Mavis Bagwash.
Films.
The top financial income film of 2009 is the newly released 'Avatart'. The 3D sex porn film was only marred by a silly story about interracial intercourse without an intermission.
Next came 'The Ten Commandants'. A war film by controversial director Quentin Tarrant of 'I’m A Millionaire Get Me Outter The Working Class' fame.
Then: 'Love Me Tenderise' staring Elvis Grone, the world famous cheese burger eater. Grone plays a boy from the Five Links Estate who makes good and moves to Felmores.
Also we had: 'Mash', starring Loydd Flatterbush in a violent roll.
And lastly: 'Woodstop' a documentary about the Basildon Festival bash at the local park where no one could give out leaflets except the giant oval pie manufacturer Pie In Your Face.
Technology
Twitterer: Invented by Steven Fryup presented to us all as the most intelligent man in the UK because he says nothing remotely political. At 6’3” actor Mr. (soon Sir) ran off the stage because he had the twitters.
Facebook: the social networking site run by the CIA and MI6. Yes put all your personal information on here and make life easy for Big Brother.
Spotify: Get big spots on your face a song. Spend all your life listing to manipulative emotional music and never read a book. You are the man!
Satellite navigation comes to the mobile phone: Allow the Government to see were you are every second of the day. Let your mobile phone listen to everything you say even when it is turned off. Unless you stop buying and protes
Those who died in 2009
Patrick Swastika died from Dirty Dancing too much
Danny La Rude died of tarting about in Madam Jo Jo's.
Keith Floyd died of wine poising and posturing.
Stephen Gamely died of too many bums getting airbrushed.
Edward Woodward, Simon Dee, Jade Goody, Natasha Richardson, Patrick McGoohan, Molly Sugden, Wendy Richards and my mate Kev. Also all the other people all around the world. May you all be remembered with love.
We all go on with needless laws: Don’t smoke in a pub, don’t wear a hat in a pub and don’t sing in a pub.
What would our parents say? You weaklings! We did not fight nor bring you up to obey without question.
2010, let us expect no smoking anywhere; no drinking anywhere, even your own home; and don’t prosecute Bush and Blair for war criminals. It will be another DON’T YEAR.
But a better year for the woman of the world. 
Fuck ‘em I’m goanna have a 2010 DO year. Do or die.
And happy new year to all those who protest against power.
Postscript: Hic, hic
BASILDON BROADCASTING CORPORATION CHRISTMAS BROADCASTS FOR XMAS.
The sensational and all new original TV programme line up is sensational!
We start with a new repeat of Charles Dicking’s sensational adaptation of his sensational book ’The Oliver Of Oz’ in which our hero finds himself sitting in front of the Telly bored stiff watching endless repeats of ’Only Fools and Reindeers.’
For the children there will be a special repeat of ’Jackaknockers’ with 18th century stories read by Bernard Cribbins. And for the more adult viewers we have ’The Railway Whores’.
This will be followed by The Queens Speech where our blessed savoir who died on the throne for our sins will remind us all how lucky we are to be staying in freezing Britain while her and her husband Philip Don Vito Corleone are braving the warm breeze of Bermuda for our sake.
Then we can all have a jolly good laugh watching ’The World at War’. This is to remind ourselves that we won and reinforce nation’s delusion that we are better than all those nignogs who live abroad.
Then a special edition of The X Factor in which Z-list celebrates will strangle their vocal chords by singing versions of A-list singer’s songs. After that special Christmas editions of Eastenders and Coronation Street of pseudo humans who bash up each other then get married followed by a tear jerking divorce with a happy ending where all the characters discover they are gay.
Then a documentary about our brave service men and women who died in the Second World War because they were conscripted.
Pudsey the Bear will be on hand with Mr. Blobby to beg for money for the poor who would not be so poor if the Government didn’t spend billions on wars to make the rich oil companies richer.
A huge surprise will be the reunion of Katie Price and Peter André in another publicity stunt. The couple will ask for your donations to restore The Queens castle on her seven million acres of land in Scotland. The Church of England, invented by another royal, will give a holy service for Richard the Third’s hump.
Gordon Brown will make a speech giving condolences to the dead at Agincourt.
Vera Lynn will be rolled out to sing ‘The White Cliffs of Dover’ the only place she has never visited except on an episode of Coast.
Of course there will be the usual spate of old British films all starring Sir John Mills and Sir John Gielgud as stiff upper lipped old Etonians to further impress the idea that the upper classes suffer much more than working class and therefore we should praise them.
The massive array of TV cameras will not show the thousands of pensioners sitting in their cramped flats dieing alone of hypothermia. Nor the suffering of our poverty stricken children along with their unemployed parents in B&B accommodation watching all these programmes on defunct TV sets.
Long live the British Empire!
MAVIS BAGWASH ELIMINATED FROM HARSHLY
 Mavis Bagwash and dance partner Vincent Lughole have been eliminated from Gateway TV’s Harshly Come Dancing.
They were up against Whittle Whitewash and his partner Lowe Cleavage in the dance-off, with Whittle taking to the floor a day after being arrested in The Moon on the Square for smoking outside without a licence.
The 79-year-old Great Oaks actor was bailed over an alleged assault on a roll up his friend was smoking.
Towngate Theatre actress Bagwash was given a bird Avery from the audience which contained a tropical talking bird called a Rary. She took it home, but because it would not stop shouting ‘You can’t dance’ all week she threw it over a cliff. When reporters asked how she felt about it she replied.
As it went over the cliff in its cage, I thought, ‘That’s a long way to Tip a Rary.’
Whitewash was held in custody in Basildon Police Station in the early hours of Friday morning and forced to remain in his cell with a Cockatoo that had Nagging Syndrome and released on bail that afternoon with earache. As he walked across the road from the police station he was knocked down by a car driven by one David Peacock.
He and Mavis received the lowest score ever for their performance of Igor Stravinsky’s ‘Firebird‘. IV of MXCC from all of the Romany judges on the panel.
“What a cock up.” said Judge Eric Sparrow. “Mavis wore a dress made of chicken feathers while Whittle wore a completely inappropriate blue boiler suit caked with pigeon shit. As he twisted Mavis into an overhead spin both fell forward into the audience and head butted Henry Tipple in the mouth. He went cockerhoop.”
The show's judges did not mention his arrest, but Alesha Dockgreen did hold up a huge card with the slogan ‘Arrest the Pervert!‘ on it.
"A bit lacklustre" said another judge Alfonso Itie and Reverend Horwood said their dance "lacked kerpow". Henry Tipple had to disagree.
Despite carrying an injury called Jordan Abreast, Ali Mongo, an actor in The Bill, performed a Charleston that slipped. His legs split apart and everyone heard a loud crack. He had broken his crutch. Head judge Len Pensioner said: "You shook it all round and cocked your leg up. I did naf laugh."
Athlete Jade Duck pulled out of the competition due to a Kentucky buzzard injury
THE WICKFORD INQUEST
Sir Hodwake Howard: Now, I want all of us to close our eyes for the brave men and women we have ripped off in the East End of Wickford. Now having done that paltry concession may I turn to you Sir Shoveit Halliberton. How did and what were the reasons for the no fly zones over Wickford in 1981?
Sir Shoveit Halliberton: Saddam Hitler was killing the Kerds in Billericay and we went for humanitarian reasons. Not to get oil.
Sir Hodwake Howard: That is so true. May I now turn to my fellow Eton classmate, Sir Stiff Upper. The Kaffers were in the north and the Woggies were in the south. Can you tell me why we allowed Saddam Skank to pester us?
Sir Stiff Upper: We were obliged by international law to give the Woggies aid. Our jet poilets were there to save the Woggies and we knew Saddam Skank had telegraph poles and he sent messages by Morse Code to his village.
Sir Hodwake Howard: So this was nothing to do with oil? Yes we know that and so do all the gullible UK Sheepleopes watching. Now, tell me pray, how come you got a lot more profit out of the oil for food programme than me? But before you answer that, let me bring in Sir Walkoff Mont. An old bully from Eaton and although I hate him with my guts, we all have to stick together - what. Mont, where did you place the hub to jump off?
Sir Walkoff Mont: We had few choices. The King of Saudi Arabia or His Highness High God of Fairy Land. Our friends and allies. So to protect our RAF fly boys we choose His Highness God of Fairy Land. The more dictators are mad with power the more we can manipulate them. Not one of our old flyers was brought down.
Sir Hodwake Howard: I believe that we should have not told the general public about this at the time, because they are a load of old louts who can’t count on two fingers, and we are the Lords of the Earth. Should this forever be the case?
Large round of applause from all the Knights gathered.
Later at Queenway in The Brush and Pallet, a downstairs bar, a few men gathered.
“Nick, ha you brought me da money?”
“Sure, hee it is. $60,000 as we agreed.”
“Pauli you wanna take da south side or da north side?”
“A mu wife dinks da south would be good for us.”
“Da you are den. Now everybody happy. Clink, Clink. Say what did you do with that crusading reporter guy?”
“In the drink”
They all laughed.
The liberation of Britain continues. Emperor Claudius Bushus-Blairous in a speech to the Senate repeated the reasons for going to war with Britain.
“Boudicca has weapons of mass destruction. Spears that can be thrown within 45 minutes. Rome must protect itself against such acts of wilful terrorism. We have a responsibility to the people of Britain who live under the yoke of the dictator Boudicca. Our intel proves that the murderous she-demon is in league with the Celtic warlord Sean O’ Lardin the very tyrant who attacked the Coliseum on 9/11 and murdered thousands of innocent Romans while they were peacefully watching slaves get ripped apart by lions,
“Opponents to the liberation of Britain say that the invasion was to take control of the Tin Mines. Such a conspiracy theory cannot be tolerated by any patriotic Roman. We are not over there to establish military and political power. No. That is a lie. We are there to remove the dictator Boudicca and liberate the British people. This is not a war against the people of Britain. That a few will become collateral damage is the inevitable consequence of Boudicca and her tyrannical aim to not only destroy Rome, but also Britain’s surrounding countries such as Ireland and Scotland. They are our allies and we must protect them against weapons of mass destruction such as chariots with long blades sticking out of wheels.
“That is why it is vital that the Senate give me the war powers to protect Rome, and also to root out the enemies at home. The Patriotic Act will allow our Home Guard to raid hovels without warrant and arrest without charge and keep detained those terrorists’ in out midst who seek to undermine Rome and her interests,
“To end I will say this: - Those who are not with us are against us. Jupiter Bless Rome and the Roman people.”
MORE LEGIONARIES HONOURED
Five brave Army soldiers who were slaughtered by a chariot bomb in the British Bronze Age hamlet of Wickford were honoured today in the town of Pompeii. Troops who were murdered by Boudicca and her blue painted savages. Wage slaves lined the streets to welcome home dead wage slaves who had died defending Imperial Rome.
Our top defence reporter Lips Dribbling spoke to some of the grief stricken mourners:-
Do you feel sorry for our fallen troops or are you a cold blooded lizard who hates Rome?
“What, na, course I feel sorry. I fink our troops have an ’ard job. That Boudicca needs to be strung up if you ask me.”
Here is a woman who has been bravely standing in the sun. Excuse me madam, are you related or did you know any of the courageous fighting men or are you a cold hearted witch?
“No, I did not know them, but I do believe one was known to be a local hard nut who liked to beat up people. But then again he did have a good heart and helped smash up pubs.”
Yes, well, we’ll cut that out of the report. Here is the local vicar. Sir, may I ask why you are here today?
“As a Christian I believe we have to stand up and fight the pagans and Druids.”
And there you have it: we must fight the satanic forces that eat children. Back to the studio.
Thank you Lips. Here in the news studio we have three Praetorian Guards and a slave who will have a balanced discussion about the war.
BASILDON REMEMBERS FALL OF WALL
Basildon and Wickford leaders have hailed the fall of the Basildon Wall in celebrations 20 years on from the upheaval that changed Essex.
The event two decades ago led Basildon and Wickford to reunify.
The wall was erected because of the Essex Cold War. The wall ran from Canvey Island to Kelvedon Hatch, where nuclear missiles were kept in case Ingatestone got uppity and declared itself an independent state.
At that time Wickford was a repressive dictatorship under the yoke of the military dictator Mussolini Basset. Whereas Basildon enjoyed the liberal beneficence of Stanley Oldman, who was never a puppet to the Blake regime.
“There could be no clearer rebuke of tyranny, no stronger affirmation of free drinking and smoking” said Stan at the BasFest Wall celebrations
At least 136 people are thought to have been killed at the wall while trying to escape the no smoking in pubs law.
"Together we brought down the Steel Drape that was drawn between East and West Essex and I am convinced this can give us the strength to have another pint in the 21st century,"
HOW THE WALL FELL
13 Aug 1961: Wickford erects the Basildon Wall
Aug-Sep 1989: Tens of thousands of East Essex slaves seek asylum as communist control over Wickford relaxes as Muinllni Basset got more and more inebriated.
7 Oct: The Wickford leader instructs everyone to wear condoms on their noses.
18 Oct1989: Mavis Sloshokovich replaces Eric Pisserecki East Essex’s leader after anti-anti smoking protests
4 Nov: Mass protests by non Catholics culminate in no one going to church.
9 Nov: The Wall is breached after the Basildon Council moves to lift people out of curbs and travel over the border to Ipswich.
YOUR MEMORIES:-
I was imprisoned twice by Mussolini Basset - when I was 15 and tried to fleece a local off licence and again at the age of 21 whenorganising a Beano to Southend-on-Sea.
I was in the Wickford Gestapo and in the process of searching a house when the householder Len Larkin held a gun to my head. It was then I had an epiphany in my trousers and decided to switch sides.
I was looking out my window and had a heart attack. I knew then it was all over.
METABASILDON FOUND BY GHOST HUNTERS
Plato, the Greek philosopher, said that our everyday world contains people, trees, stones etc. But there is a higher reality, a world of Forms.
If there exists a person, a tree or stone in the everyday world these things are inferior to the ideal or the Form. The Form transcends the ordinary world, therefore there must exist an ideal of these everyday things. If a stones exist and these stones are not the ideal they must descend from that which the Ideal, the Form. It follows that a perfect stone must exist in a higher realm. A stone which is the perfect stone from which all other stones are derived.
Therefore an ideal tree exists of which all other trees derive their shape, their Form. It follows that an ideal, a perfect person must exist from which all persons are mere imperfections of that perfect Ideal or Form.
The word Meta means that which transcends and encompasses. There is a Meta-stone, a Meta- tree, and a Meta-person.
Basildon is a town shaped in the Form of its ideal. A Meta-Basildon. A perfect Basildon of which our town is merely an imperfect copy.
Ghost hunters are those intelligent people who accept the wisdom of Plato and search for that which is not of this realm, but exist in a higher plane of existence.
Mavis and Bert Higgins of Felmores, Basildon, are Ghost Hunters. Their quest is to find and prove the existence of things that dwell in a place that transcends our own. In a Meta-place. And it is they who hunted for and found METABASILDON.
Mavis was the first to explain and expound the discovery her and Bert made. He was down the pub at the time of the interview.
“Spooky isn’t it?” she said pointing at a photograph of a ghost they photographed in their bedroom with their new digital camera with a zoom lens. The apperition was white and indistinct but certainly their bedroom.
“Bert is not used to modern technology; he can’t even work the VHS we bought ten years ago in Asdas for £95. He has an old Brownie box camera, but I keep telling him you can’t get the film for it now. It was me who suggested we invest in a new and modern up to date digital camera. I’m glad we did otherwise we would not have been able to photograph the ghost that hunted us that fateful Guy Fawkes night yesterday and print it out on your new Tandy PC which came with a printer.”
Our top ghost writer Lips Dribbling, interrupted Mavis and asked if he could use the toilet. Mavis took down her white dressing gown that hung on the bedroom door near an open window and showed him the way by a lighted candle. Their electricity had been cut off for non-payment.
After Lips had urinated, Mavis, over wine and chips, went on with her story,
“We have photographed many ghosts, which seem to roam around washing lines. Yes we believe in a transcendent world. A world that is privy only to people like me and Bert who have gifts. And having a gift each we went in search of the other worldly Basildon, which we knew existed because we both read Plato’s book, The Phaedo which we picked up in a charity shop for 20p. We found the MetaBasildon just five miles from here. It calls itself Wickford, but we liked it so much we knew it was a metaphysical Basildon on which all other towns are based. “
Just then Bert burst threw the door drunk sending a draft that blew up Mavis’s dressing gown that she had replaced on the bedroom door. Bert screamed,
“It’s here again!”
BASILDON FAMILY FED UP WITH DEATH.
In the wake of a car accident that claimed the life of their granddad a Basildon family, The Moaners told reporter Lips Dribbling that they have decided to "just call it quits."
"In devastating times such as these, reaching down deep and finding hope simply isn't possible," said Mavis Moaner (47)
"The untimely death of granddad is more than we can bear much less use as an experience through which to learn about ourselves and grow closer. We have had several deaths lately and we are fed up with it."
"Honestly, I don't see us looking to one another for solace during this trying time, or really looking to one another for anything ever again," Mavis continued. "This is all just so…sad. Much too sad for us to pick up the pieces and bravely move forward."
In the days since the accident, The Moaners have not seen an outpouring of mutual support, and the junction where the old man was killed remains completely free of any improvised memorials featuring flowers, poems, snapshots, or crosses.
According to Mavis, a candlelight vigil in Basildon town centre was "totally out of it" as the family agreed it would not bring any closure to the situation at all and would, instead, make everyone even sadder.
"Reflecting on the lives of these friends and family members and how they touched so many during their time with us, we are buggered if we are going to be sad any more. It would only remind us all of how awful and insurmountable this whole situation already is. No, we have to gather ourselves up and begin to look to the future. Specifically, a future in which we abandon this doomed place and go our own separate ways. It's what granddad, Rich, Jamie, Beth, and Kyle would have wanted," Mavis added.
According to the local priest Father O’Boozal, the healing process will never begin, and the emotional scars left by all this tragedy will remain open, festering wounds, worsening each year, for decade upon decade, until every member of the Moaner family is dead.
"One day we'll all be able to look back at this and feel just as heartbroken, helpless, and angry as we do right now," Mavis said. "We could perhaps find some solace in the thought that those five dead friends and family live on forever inside each and every one of us, but they don't. They're dead."
"When something this terrible happens, it's important to remember that it's all part of God's plan," said the manager of the local pub Bill Grassland as he fell sideways off the bar.
Basildon council leader Tory Billycock (57) has reportedly not offered his condolences to the family, nor has any of the Cabinet, all of whom were too busy talking about themselves.
BASILDON DEATH CAMP TO OPEN SOON
 Basildon is to get its own death camp.
The death camp will be constructed in the middle of the shopping centre and hold 300 Royal Mail Postal workers.
Shoppers will be allowed to poke the prisoners with sticks and shout abuse at them. The inmates will wear striped pyjama like clothes and starved of food so that they look skinny and haggard.
The public of Basildon are outraged that their Christmas cards will not be delivered and demand retribution.
“The only way to deal with these mail terrorists is to make an example of them.” said Avis Bunnage (63) “The death camp will teach them a lesson and I for one will be at the barbed wire seeking revenge.”
Gas Ovens will be part of that revenge. The inmates will be put into ovens alive, but their screams will be covered up by loud 1940’s music so not to disturb the delicate feelings of local residents.
One resident said, “I am fed up with being held to ransom by these union types who do nothing but go to work late and leave when they feel like it. The more we burn the better.”
The gas turning on ceremony will be held by Lord Peter Hyde-Sinclair, CEO of EnergyCosto who will be awarded a huge bonus for his bravery.
One inmate was allowed to speak,
“All we were trying to do was stop the bosses using cheap labour and selling off the Royal Mail to fat cats.”
He was dealt with by a head bashing. New Nazi Neighbourhood spokesperson Harold Hitler said, “How are multinationals to survive if we allow rats like this to sabotage Basildon’s globalization program? Without the rich getting richer what is going to happen to the world famous trickle down concept from which we, the poor have benefited so much over the last fifty years? No, we cannot allow a callous few working class people to spoil it for the majority of the working class who have enjoyed the Trickle Down Effect.”
We all know that it is the leaders of industry who create wealth. Without their money, where would the rest of us be? We must return to the good old days of Upstairs and Downstairs, master and servant, captain and cook. Why have we not seen all the BBC plays that depict how wonderful it was then? Plays like Emma and Henry the Eighth. Days when Kings and Queens treated us with equanimity, tolerance and gentle kindness.
The idea that one single man can seek his fortune without the help of others and pull himself up by his own bootlaces is a good and God given idea. And that is why we need a Death Camp in Basildon so to burn alive the corrupted and outdated view that a poor man needs the help of his fellows to surmount the wealth of the few.
So next Saturday surround the Death Camp and taunt the prisoners for their insubordination. Only when we have killed the last union member can we be sure that our minds will be full with the grace of heavenly religion and we will be at last free in the knowledge that Poverty is Wealth, War is Peace and Obedience to the law is Freedom.
GOD STOLE TOILET ROLLS FROM OFFICE.
 The newly resurrected scrolls found in Israel testify to the fact long known to Biblical scholars that God stole toilet rolls from his office.
Jacob shall wipe the forebum of Moab and tear down the pants of Sheth and thereby flush away the sins of mankind with pens.
His righteousness will forever uphold the law that is told to Office ware in all of the Lords land that he who stealth toilet rolls or pens of yea rubber stamps or yet sponges to wet fingers for postage stamps and take the spuriously home will with zeal be banished from Israel and all the tribes that dwell in Felmores or on the Five Links Estate.
So discern and desist from this unholy practice of using unpaid for toilet rolls to wipe thy bum.
Immanuel Camberwell (47) the seventh son of the fourth nomad says unto you,
“Go forth with two or three ply tissue, but never use the fifth tissue for that is for a wank at night. Unless they is retired then during the daylight with curtains drawn so that no one can witness thy incubus act upon the spirit of the Nob.”
Thus this is said, and having been said let the finger move on and as it does let the land of Zebulun be informed that you have put your finger into Galilee and the Gentiles.
I do not open my mouth with condemnation. For I too am a sinner and stole office equipment, including a copying machine one night in April which took a lot to get out the window.
The Lord God is now captive and will be treated like any other prisoner. Just as Baroness Scotland will have her fine paid from the tax payer’s purse, now God will have His almighty sentence served by Eric Bowls (32) a religious freak.
Lord Justice Melchizedek, presiding over Gods trial at Basildon Crown Court, said,
“Thou art a Lavatory merchant. Hide you face and be despised by all those who have never stolen from an office. Nay, not even a paperclip. Now that you have God, all those who once rejoiced greatly in your goodness will now be no longer humbled, but allow themselves to do as you do. Hence your adversary the Devil has won. And I say unto the leaders of the Earth. We gave you authority and you brought shame on that appointment. Our civilization is now in disrepute by other civilizations. But we will wink at them, not maliciously, but in the spirit of joint responsibility.”
Now go forth without bitter weeping and know that the Lord delights in your innocent sins and all is well with the morrow. No groaning, except on the pan.
BASILDON MENTAL HEALTH UNIT NOT SECURE
The residents of a mental health hospital want security measures increased.
The patients are living in fear of local residents. One patient suffering from homicidal attack syndrome said,
“When I look out of my window and see Basildon people pass by I am overcome with dread. The very sight of these scruffily dressed, mad looking dregs of humanity fills me with utter dismay. Are they the result of some diabolical scientific experiment?”
Clare House in Pound Lane, Bowers Gifford is admired for its Grade 1 listed architecture and beautiful landscaped gardens. The mental health unit is proud of it’s recorded for keeping out undesirable locals.
Top psychiatrist Dr. Oliver John Twist said,
“Our patients are deeply concerned about local residents going on the run, especially when they are out on unsupervised visits to public houses and lap top bars like the infamous Cats Bootlegger Club. Why do these obviously deranged citizens feel the compulsion to fill themselves with alcohol and gawk at proto-prostitutes to attain a semblance of happiness? My people have no such compulsion. They are happy with their mild pursuits of Ludo and walking around the gardens. “
Another patient who is a weak willed hedonist said that she was terrified at the sight of a crowd of youths passing by shouting and swearing and falling over and being sick in the gutter then fighting each other for no apparent reason.
“When I saw them rampaging down Pound Lane in a drunken orgy of sexual expletives. It terrified me. We need higher fences to keep them out. I never want to escape my perfect world of peace and tranquillity here at Clare House. I often spot police helicopters hovering above our unit. I am glad that the police are there to protect us from the mentally disabled of Basildon.”
A nurse who works at the unit said that she had seen at first hand the abnormal behaviour of some Basildon locals,
“They wonder around in circles. They sit for hours staring in to thin air, then suddenly get up and wander into another building, scratch a hardly intelligible note and pass it with money across a counter, then with no goods bought stagger back to resume their somnambulistic stance. Around and round they go every day. On occasion one might suddenly leap and shout. ‘My horse won!’ And they call my patients loony. The quicker we get our electric fence up the better.”
BASILDON TRIANGLE MYSTERY SOLVED
 Several of the Basildon Triangle most mysterious disappearances in 1959 have been solved.
Scores of Taxis and Supermarket trolleys have vanished without trace over the decades in a vast triangular area of Essex which includes Basildon, Billericay and Wickford.
One Taxi probably suffered from catastrophic lack of oil, while another is likely to have run out of petrol.
50 years ago, Taxi rides from Basildon to Billericay were new and perilous. It would require a refuelling stop on the A127 before the 7 mile journey could continue non-stop.
The Taxis would have been operating at the limit of their range. Today taxis arriving at the tiny and backward town of Wickford would have sufficient reserve fuel to divert to Pitsea in case of emergency.
And the small shop Trolleys of the post-war era were far less reliable than today's Supermarket trolleys.
Basildon Essex South Taxis (BEST), which operated the route, had a grim safety record. In three years it had had 11 serious accidents and lost five vehicles with 73 passengers and 22 drivers killed.
On 12th October 1959, 3 punters in a BEST Ford Angela taxi disappeared without trace, leaving the driver out of pocket by £1/10s. Five Teddy Boys on board a white Consul slashed up the seats and attacked the driver with bicycle chains before running off with the drivers’ blonde girlfriend. No bodies were found.
The official investigation into the disappearance of the louts concluded: "It may truly be said that no more baffling problem has ever been presented to coppers. This one will remain an unsolved mystery.”
Until today. The Teddy boys and blonde have all been discovered in an old people’s home in Wickford. The taxi driver is buried in Pitsea cemetery.
The heaters in taxis at the time were notoriously unreliable and some punters died of hypothermia en route. More likely what happened to most is that to keep the taxi warm, the driver decided to masturbate and lost control when he came, sending the taxis spiralling out of control down the newly invented grassy embankments.
In addition, the official Ministry of Civil Automobile report considered that the headaches caused by Rock ’n Roll may have been much stronger than those caused by Hip Hop now. This would have caused brains to burn out more quickly.
Whatever happened, it was sudden and catastrophic - there was no time to stop for a piss.
The Tudor Trolleys at the time were converted milk bottle crates with a poor safety record.
Gordon Bend (78) was chief Trolley washer for the Co Op then and in an interview with his local newspaper The Basildon Trumpet, he said he had no confidence in the Tudor's wheels.
“The wheel direction system was hopeless… all the wheels were at the bottom of the trolley and babies used to get crammed together underneath with old Beanos“.
Captain Duffy Ramsbottom said,
“ My theory is that hydraulic vapour escaped from a leak, which got on to a hot heater and caused a short-circuit which ignited the wheels causing them to explode forwards dragging Granny Appleyard around the car park. ”
The official accident investigation discovered that because of a communications error, rescue teams were not despatched until seven and a half hours later. By that time Granny Appleyard had no skin on her legs.
In a moment of philosophical conjecture, the investigators mused that maybe “some external supernatural cause may have overwhelmed both woman and machine“.
Those comments from sober-suited British civil servants opened the floodgates for conspiracy theorists, hack journalists and mischief makers, adding to the mystery of the Basildon Triangle.
MILLWALL VS WEST HAM PUNCH UP A DISGRACE
The violence at Tuesday's match between West Ham and Millwall was a "disgrace to football punch ups", the sport minister says.
Gerry Pacemaker said: "We have made great progress in hooliganism in this country and will not tolerate the namby-pamby violence that took place at Upton Park. We need a return to proper 80's violence"
Investigations are under way into the Girly type fighting involving hundreds of fans that disgraced the Carling Cup game.
A 44-year-old man is proud to be in hospital after being stabbed in the chest. Life of Mars Police said only 13 people were arrested.
"We expected hundreds of arrests. We got hardly any overtime out of this game."
West Ham and Millwall fans have been involved in rivalry going back decades.
Mr Gerry Pacemaker continued: "I completely back the FA's call for any person identified as not being involved to be banned for life. The 'pacifist scenes last night were a disgrace to football."
Justice Secretary Jack Straw said the FA needed to take "strong measures" to prevent a repeat of the non-violence.
He said: "We have greatly toughened the fans, toughened the way in which they attack opposition fans. Police and stewards hardly got a chance to punch fans. Not one Taser gun was used. What is the point of giving the police permission to use electric shocks if they never get the chance to indiscriminately use Tasers? I am determined to ensure what happened at Upton Park was an aberration - I look to the FA to take very strong measures to ensure this kind of thing doesn't happen again."
Fights planned by the police started near the east London stadium at about 1800 BST and continued for a disappointing five minutes.
About 200 riot police with at least 20 mounted officers were foaming at the mouth to get stuck in and kick the living daylights out of the fans and anyone living nearby, but provocation like someone asking the time never materialized.
Only one pub reportedly had its windows broken as cowardly running battles continued across several pavement slabs up to half-a-metre from the stadium.
Eyewitnesses said Pseudo-hooligans ripped out tufts of grass and stamped of cigarette butts.
By 2300 BST several hundred West Ham fans had congregated outside the stadium where they sang Village People hits and bombarded police with sexual innuendos.
Officers are scanning video to identify possible X-Factor contestants.
Inside the stadium the pitch was invaded on three occasions by fans that ran about waving and jumping like a bunch of gays.
West Ham won the game 3 - 1.
Andy Colt, the Association of Chief Tough Police Officers' football policing expert, said: "Last night is an unwelcome reminder of political correctness and the Gay Rights Movement. Football hooliganism is not what it used to be. Homosexuality is a lingering menace, albeit among a small minority of supporters and we will not tolerate it."
He continued: "Over 20 years the UK has made steady progress in football-related violence.
'Loveable violence'
"All old and genuine football fans will be concerned at last night's pathetic scenes and the police service is determined to ensure that such events remain the exception."
In a statement, West Ham Football Club said it would fully investigate the "non violence" and take the strongest action against anyone involved in not smashing a fan in the face with his boot.
A Football Association spokesman said anyone found not to have taken part in the violence would be banned from football for life.
"We will be working with all parties, the police and clubs, to establish a return to proper punch ups."
One Millwall supporter was arrested for wearing a Gorilla suit. When it was discovered he was not, the police issued an apology.
BASILDON SIGN GETS THUMB UP
 Basildon will have its own sign soon says Council leader Tony Balloon (125)
“I have not seen the sign yet, but I’m confident others will in the near future at this moment in time. We got our inspiration from the Hollywood sign, which is known all over the world. We hope our sign with put Basildon on the world map."
When it was put to Councillor Balloon that the Hollywood sign is 40’ and Basildon’s one will be only 4’ tall. He gulped and said,
“But it will look very big to children, dwarves and people driving small cars like a Mini. Anyway commuters on the A125 will know where Basildon is at last”
That is correct. Before drivers on the A127 never knew where Basildon was. Especially those Essex people who live in far away places like Rayleigh and Southend-on-Sea. They will be shocked to know that they often passed a town of 250,000 residents and is used as a voting template in UK general elections. Not to mention the 57 road signs already on the A127 from the M25 in the West and Southend-on-Sea in the East directing traffic to Basildon.
Councillor Balloon said that he often got lost coming to Basildon from his second home in Dorset. He then allowed council spokesperson Adorno Keating (13) to speak while he drifted away to his newly decorated office in newly refurbished Basildon Centre.
“I have just been measuring up the sign at Noak Bridge and I can tell you that the 4’ black and white sign will be an emblem for our town. A signal, nay a symbol that that Basildon is here to stay. It will be evidence that Basildon exists. It will gesticulate to all that Basildon is a town of business and culture”
Others have said that it will be more like a warning.
BASILDON “MAY HAVE 500-YEAR ROLE” IN WICKFORD
 Basildon's commitment to Wickford could last for up to 500 years, the head of Basildon Army has said.
Gen Sir Richards Dee-Day, who takes over on 28 August, told Basildoneye the Army's role would evolve like a Darwinian BBQ, but the process of "LIE-building" would last until the booze has run out.
Troops will be required for bashing up Wickfordians in the medium term only, but Basildon will continue to play a role in "development of slaves, governance of THE LOW PAID and security in toilets" he said.
"There is absolutely no chance of COCK (Control of CHELMSFORD Kack) pulling out,"
Gen Dee-Day added.
Dee- Day commanded 35,000 Union Bashers from 37 estates in Essex when he was head of COCK's International Security Assistance OF THE RICH Force in Wickford between Mayday 2006 and Easter Egg day 2007.
He will take over from Gen Sir Dammitt Bombhead as Basildon’s chief of the general Basher Corps.
'CAMALOT OVERSEAS LOTO WINNABLE'
Gen Dee-Day’s comments come a day after it emerged that the last Great Newspaper Seller, Buster Edwards, from ESSOW (Evening Standard Shouters outside Waterloo Station), had been killed by hanging himself with others PRESENT in a garage north of Bermondsey, in LONDONSTAN province, southern England, on Thursday afternoon 1964 after the pubs turned out.
.
Buster’s death - in an attack by South East London gangsters with a colleague critically injured by a Richardson heavy 4x4 piece of wood will take the number of deaths to 195 which is the number of times Camberwell Clarkson has fell over backwards 2001.
Basildon Army has suffered its heaviest losses of the entire campaign in recent weeks, but its soon-to-be chief Mandy Poofta said he strongly believed his campaign in Corfu was "winnable".
"Demanding, certainly, but winnable," he said from a yacht.
“It is not just mincing about on board, gin and tonics and simple governance of COCK that works”
Gen Sir Davio Sinatra added: "The end is oh so near, but I did it my way. “
Newsflash: Troops who have not died or been maimed will be allowed a dignified suicide in Swaziland if they try to complain.
 Hubble has trained its powerful space lens on the atmospheric disturbance known to astronomers as "THE BASILDON SCAR'"
The disturbance is believed to have been caused by a Saturday night BasVegas impact.
The orbital telescope used the Melvin Spillage Wide Field Lens fitted on the recent Scarecrow shuttle servicing mission to capture ultra-sharp clothes worn by creatures that are believed to inhabit A Uranus-like planetoid on the edge of the solar system known as the A13 belt.
The dark spot near the planetoids Eastern Gate as opposed to its West Gate was noticed first by an amateur Australian alcoholic in the Perth district of Simpson.
Some of the world's biggest drinkers have since taken huge amounts of booze to focus on the space scar.
Engineers at the Essex space agency, Esco, (essex space co-op) interrupted their pre-hangover party at The Moon on the Square base to use the Hubble WFL as A BBQ lens to cook sausages with the suns rays.
"Because we believe this magnitude of sausage impact is rare, we are very fortunate to use Hubble," said Ted Simpson-Oz of Australia Esco's Wombat Space Flight Centre, Carolpool.
"Details seen in the Hubble view show lumpiness on the faces of Basildon people and a debris plume caused by turbulence in a Market Square toilet atmosphere."
The pictures augur well for Mavis Hubble. Her servicing should give her several more years of life.
The WFL will be used to take the deepest images of her Minge yet.
Astronomers cannot be absolutely sure Basildon was struck by a Swine-Flu object, but the evidence of pigs seen pushing toddler-trolleys seems compelling. The scar emerged on 5th July above the BasFest. One estimate of the diameter of the impacting Fried Chicken franchise body suggests its influence may have been hundreds of leaflets wide.
"This is just one example of what Hubble's new, state-of-her camera can do, thanks to the shuttle between the Moon and The Towngate, we know that the Basildon Scar will go on" said Ed Wonger, Esco's chief puppet scientist.
"However, the best is yet to come." said ED. He slipped and fell into the BBQ.
The Wire.
Mumble, mumble, mumble, Nigger, ole yea.
Get those on an' courner, mummble, mummble an'all shit like that.
Gun fight. What's is that shit man. We gotta do somtink about Baltimore man odder dewise we an't got no shit man.
If they keep changing their phones we an't got a chance in hell of wiretapping them sona bitches. So keep on the wire man, 'cause once ye is on the wire den ye is.
Pocock, what ye up too man?
What I up to? What de fuck ye up to?
Me? Nut ting, me up to nut ting you nigger fucker. Say, you lookting for a gun up your ass or sometink!
No man, I'm on de wire, a got all kinds O tinks going on.
Just stand on de courner well I goes over de oder courner and see if dat courner is in da courner. You got me boy!
Yah sure, I staying on dis courner whist you go over to dat courner do your shit man.
Yoy see ma eyes going up and looking disgusted with the world man?
Yeah, we black niggers do dat all de time - eyes going up and looking disgusted wiv de world man, that is our nigger trade mark. Wa the first words ma mammy said when I came out of her bottle chace was 'He looks so disgusted with the world, an't he be a nigger.'
Did you suck back on your teeth making a sound like a blocked drain?
Sure did.
Then you is some kind of nigger. Give me a hug.
with that they shot each other.
next week the mummbles hit swansea.
BASILDON BED FLUTE PLAYER EXAUSTED
Eric Batty (34) has been playing the bed flute at night for so many years he is now exhausted.
“I’m a big fan of J. Arthur Rank” gasped Batty whilst playing with his banjo in Basildon Hospital, “I have all my accounts with Barclays and recently preformed a five-finger-shuffle with Betty Swallocks. Also I had a Big Cock Day with Bologna Bop and us Bosched several holes between cubicles in the public toilets at Basildon Market. We often go Bog Snorkelling in Southend-on-Sea where we shite Bovril Bullets on the beach near families who are picnicking.
We like touring Cadbury Ally and have Carnival Knowledge in the fair ground. Unfortunately Spurt Reynolds turned up with a group of Rug Munchers and all mayhem let loose. I had Plymouth Argyles so couldn’t move quickly and got a Kit Kat Shuffler jumping on my Itchypoo Park which made my jamboree bags pop.
I waved my Japanese flag with a jizz fag on it, but still got an ICBM and was overcome with I.R.S. (Itchy Ring Syndrome) and before I knew what was happing a Hampton Wick started to Ronaldo me. I shouted ’Get off my gibbon gristle, but he dumped fladge and padge on my fleshy flugelhorn and set light to it.
“When we got home, we watched some Frankie Vaughan and started too frugal. Then I got the Eartha Kitts and was on the bog all night. When the Engleburts disissed I empted my anaconda and invited a Doxy to come round. She gave me a Donald, but said my dilm tasted like dog lime. So I did a Dracula in her face and fell asleep.
I was knackered.”
BASILDON GETS PLINTH
 Living statue of art gets thumbs up.
More than 2,400 residents of Basildon will soon stand on a plinth just like the one in Trafalgar Square except lower.
This is 100-day art project master-minded by local artist Antony Gormless.
“People will stand on the plinth for one hour each. That is 60 minutes of fame, not just 15 minutes” enthused the rugged, yet effete artist.
Gormless is also famous for his towering 200ft steel sculpture The Demon of South Benfleet and Menstruating Woman on Plinth, both of which have been smashed up and sold for scrap by the ever thrifty Basildon Council.
Our travelling reporter Lips Dribbling asked shoppers in the town centre if they would volunteer.
“Excuse me sir, what do you think of the pedestal?”
“I hate them pedestals - having sex wiv children - disgusting.”
“Em, I think you have got the wrong idea. Excuse me madam, would you like an hour on a brick?”
“Well! I’m outraged that you should ask such a personal question. I know that me and my husband haven‘t been seeing eye to eye lately, especially in bed, but I would never contemplate having sex with another man. Well, not unless I knew who he was. Would we be introduced?”
“Oh dear I don‘t seem to be having much luck. Ah, here is the artist Antony Gormless. Tell me what kind of person do you expect to volunteer?
“We are not only looking for individual people. We are also want objects. We already have a drain-hole cover, a Mini car, a tank, and a rocket. You see this is modern art - modern, not old. This is about people coming together then going home alone. We don’t want hooligans or vicious thugs, just ordinary people who have nothing else to do and don’t mind being gawked at.”
Last month a selection of candidates practised their routines on an artistic beer bottle crates. All fell off - drunk.
Last minute news is the whole event has been called off with the discovery that the plinth is in fact a tombstone leading to an underground mausoleum where laid are the bodies of a famous local family - the Plinths.
A PERAMBULATION TO BASILDON JOB CENTRE - PLUS?
On my perambulation today I Visited BasildonJob Centre Plus, though the Plus has no affirmation in the aforementioned.
The manager gave me a courteous entertainment pointing to the various low life that inhabit for some few hours this disreputable place.
The wage slaves played loud music on their i-pods, with each head nodding at differing speeds. The manager showed how she commanded the motion of the wage slaves by causing them to move by either calling their names or racking through the ascending numbers on the overhead display. Then pretending to each that they were the wrong person or that they had taken the wrong ticket from the dispenser thereby causing them to stand, walk and sit again.
The spectacle was amusing to see. They wore heads shaven close and they dressed in shabby Shell Suits. The women invariably wore white high heels and mini skirts. Some many were dressed in washed out jeans so tight that one was reminded of pigs torsos wrapped in net cotton.
One pale spotty youth with a look of abject misery perched upon his long face walked forward with a gate not unlike an ape. A thick goldish chain hung about his neck as if symbolic of his servile condition. His track suit hung about him like a landed parachute. He could walk three paces without his suit appearing to move, such was the volume of material employed.
The surroundings were clean and functional and of such a condition that one suspected more so than in the hovels they inhabited. Indeed some hung around for so long that ones assumption seemed more than confirmed.
Computers were provided at which the wreaches could search data basis full of low paid employments whilst not allowing income enough to live a civilized life in which culture of enlightenment might be included, enough to provide an endless stream short but emotionally satisfying musical notes to endure hours of sofa slackness or booze charged gyrations that kept their minds occupied until a father futile working week of unarticulated resentment.
I was amazed to contemplate how these miserable caitiffs existed in their crowed hovels and leisure establishments without thought given to their spiritual condition.
They had so little money, insomuch as some of them have, after many years of cruel servitude none could ever purchase their way to liberty. Their rising and falling back into their chairs is a miserable spectacle and the noise of their incessant argument has something about it that is strange and fearful to ones unaccustomed senses.
They seemed to be ruled and chastised by Soap Operas and innocuous football that is only a resemblance to the real.
Yet they all seem to be cheerful enough with lives spent in the pursuit of knavery.
ANIMAL HOME COOKING
 In the new series of Animal Home Cooking we are introduced to a variety of wild animals who whilst searching for new homes will shear their secret cooking recipes.
Henry the Lobster who is looking for a new home in Yorkshire tells us how to shed calories by cooking a human baby in boiling water. We cut to Horace the Chicken who is planning to set up home in Laindon Hills where he will teach us a thing or two about living next door to cringing sycophant. Meanwhile Martin the Stick Insect will show us how to build a camouflaged hut in Slone Square where we can secretly observe MP’s shopping for furniture at John Lewis.
First we join Henry the Lobster who has just brought a large saucepan of water to the boil and is about to throw in a live human baby.
“There is no need to be alarmed. As we all know human children do not feel pain and the flurry of action is merely an automatic response to the child’s new, but brief lived environment. This method strips away all the excess fat from the child thereby allowing the diner to have a delicious meal without packing on weight. My new book ‘The Low Calorie Red Child” gives lots of recipes fresh land humans.”
Horace the Chicken shows us around his newly acquired human farm where he raises thousands of humans in narrow coupes. Here the humans are fed a strict diet of chemically treated nuts which will increase meat and decrease bone so that one is left with juicy fat people ripe for slaughtering in super quick time for BBQ roasts this summer.
“As you can see the humans cannot make an escape because they are so heavy and their bones so brittle that their can hardly walk let alone run. I personally simple love human legs dipped in Tikka sauce with rice. One can have the legs with or without bread crumbs. As you know Yorkshire is a wonderful part of the country where one can be obnoxious and pretend it is being forthright.”
Martin the Stick Insect demonstrates how to camouflage herself as a servant of the people whist in reality a predator which can suck out the wealthy substance of subjects and still remain insidiously within the rules of a healthy diet.
LARGE HOLE NOT SEEN IN SPACE
A large hole has been discovered in space. Well, it might be large or it might be small, no one knows because it cannot be seen because it is a hole and it is in space.
We asked Professor Von Gawk his opinion of the space phenomenon.
"It iz very stranget. Id had never zeen anytink like it before. Zat it cannot be obzerved iz a stranget ting because von must obseve before von can say zat dat it hast been discoverd. Viv out zis fundamental principle von cannot zay very much about it, exzept to propound zer theory zat not all tings zat cannot be seen by zero naked eye does not mean sat they do not exist. For instance, I cannot zee deer back of my head but I am more or less certain data it exists - somewhere. Pay attention! Ven one considers zat examination of a distant or near object viv in ones visible experience brings information to ones eyezight zer inspection of zer non-object may vell be an illusion of knowledge if von notices it or not. Zerfore, a review of the material may be necessary to conclude an answer to zer question."
Professor Gawk then went into a long and tedious explanation of Quantum strings. While he was speaking we tip-toed away and asked a man in the street his thoughts.
Albert Armpit (63) said:-
"Wot is this all abat den? That's wot I say, what is it all abat? Everyone is banging on abat it but what is it all abat? Is it a 'ole in the road or an 'ole in a shoe? No, it is a 'ole in space. What is that all abat? How can you 'ave an 'ole in space with out 'aving a time continuum split up the jacksy? Who nicked my bike?"
Next we are joined by man about town Major Gordon Camberwell:-
"What! A what chaps! Oh my dear, yes what, you don't say. Well I never. Never was like this in Zululand. No by josh, we'd just give 'em what for. Up 'em with the old sharp steel what. Push it right up there. Up, push it right up. Get it all the way up. Oohh up put it up, right up - what!"
Then Mrs Mavis Bagwash:-
"Well I never. A 'ole in space. What will they think of next? Digging up roads like that. One is filled in and next another lot is digging it up again. Wot a fucking waste of time!"
GURKHAS SLUMLEY SEX SCANDLE
A CD-Rom disk obtained by Basildoneye from Blockbusters reveal that a battalion of Ghurkhas claimed sex with Jumna Slumley on expenses.
The one-time spy series The Revengers star was not available for comment as she waved from her first floor brothel window wearing low cut panties.
The Ghurkha motto is “Better to cum than to die” Most are dead. They found that their traditional 18 inch weapon was useless against Slumley’ sexual appetite. By the time they put it in a sheath a sexual bullet has gone through their small Nepalese brain.
The Victorians identified them as a "martial race", perceiving in them particularly masculine qualities of toughness.
Ms Slumley, the actress who had never had her fathers cock in her face fought the campaign on behalf of the Ghurkhas, said: "This week I shall fuck them all!“
She called Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who said “I’m sorry Jumna, I’m already shagging Angola Smith. However, if you promise me one, you will become a Baroness like her, then we can help each other out. One must.”
Tory leader Dick Cameroon backed the reforms but said an immediate general election was needed, so that no other one has time to form a party for the people.
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He told Basildoneye News reporter, Lips Dribbling: "I have been arguing for no changes. As long as I can keep riding my bike.”
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Slumley said to Nancy Nicecake, our lesbian reporter on muff diving,
"He is behaving as if he is just running this gentlemen's club. His cock is completely paralysed."
The cross party agreement on new expenses rules includes a £1,250 a month for Slumley, a Kensington garden flat with no rent or mortgage payments, a ban on "flipping" her over without £200 payment before. And a designated second home next door..
"duck island"
She may also have Communities Secretary Hazel Blears as a figurine to throw darts at.
BASILDON’S ENTRY FOR THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST FEELS POSITIVE.
Many wannabes from Basildon have stepped out on the Euro stage over the last fifty years. We've condensed the highlights into this must-read guide to the history of Basildon in Eurovision.
The 1950s - The dawn of Basildon, and an era when the girls wore navy blue knickers & the lads wore a DA (ducks arse) haircut. Basildon’s entry this year was Alf Market singing ‘I’ve got a lovely bunch of stolen coconuts.’ He came 59th and committed suicide.
The 1960s - During the swinging sixties Basildon came second after sixty two. That’s 64th. Local girl Sandie Shagbag failed to take a place in British hearts forever with her Strumpet on a String.
The 1970s - Some say that the 80s was the decade of bad taste, and Basildon was an example. A Bastable group calling themselves Like Abba, failed miserably with a song called Dancing Poof.
The 1980s - Basildon kept up its tradition of losing with a Bucks Fizz rip off called Fucks Buzz and their song 'Making Your Alibi Up' which sent the whole of Europe to sleep.
The 1990s - People start to question if Basildon should be allowed to enter. A local lass, Dona stuns everyone with her ugliness.
The 2000s - The blight of the nineties brings no prizes for Baslidon. And the horror of a minus 667 points score in 2003. But hope is not lost and the only way is up... come on Omo, this year’s local entrant, with his song ‘Drug Crazed Benefit Sponger.’ brings it home in 2006!
What are the 'core Basildon values'?
How would you describe the characteristics that make a person Basildonish?
Schoolchildren could be taught ‘traditional Basildon values’ in an attempt to challenge formalism and promote a more anarchic society.
The local council is setting up a review into whether all 11 to 16-year-old children in Basildon should be taught how to shout abuse at strangers and pickpocket. The plans stem from the council's desire to use East End education to create a society of hoodies.
What are your perceptions of a Basildon identity? What do you think is the most important lesson about being Balildonish? Which five swear words best describe "Basildon values"? If you're outside of Basildon – say out!
Or are you creative? Do you help old people? Are you a singer or a poet? Paint or photographer? Yes you are.
Well, piss off and live somewhere else, we don't like you lot of scrubbed white liberals, we want fighting individuals who will take on the Monarchy and thrust them off their cheap see-through game of Nationalised Mafia.
OBSCURE BASILDON COUPLE SPLIT UP
Kate Costa and Peter Andexroll have split up.
The news has devastated no one. So the couple have decided to video their separation and put it on You Tube. So far the video has had two hits.
Kate and Peter did not meet on the TV series ‘I’m A Celebrate Get Me Out of Here’ but they had watched it together and were amazed how their romance ran parallel to the self-publicising couple Jordan aka Kate Price and Peter Andre, a Michael Jackson impersonator.
Miss Costa (57) said, “It is so amazing how Kate and Peters life is so much like our own. I met my Peter as I was walking through Kingswood, which is like a jungle. He fell into the same bush as me when we were drunk. His hands were all over my huge tits and I knew that I had met the large cock I wanted,”
“We immediately made a video of our love life and sold it on eBay. It was all shot in the best possible taste with both our one parent families present. And like the celebrity couple we were married in an exotic location. At Southend-on-Sea’s registry office with our reception at Cod-You-Like-it on the sea front. No expense was spared on the chips. “
Mr. Andexroll sang a song and five dogs died.
The non-celebrity couple were married from last Saturday until Sunday when the big split up ruined their marriage.
They have sixteen children together - 10 of which are Miss Costa’s by Basildon Rugby Club, and 6 are Peter’s by nieces.
No reason has been given for the couple's split, but Costa said it was her husband's fault because he cannot stand her drinking and sucking other men.
For his part, Peter, sang:-
“Ohoooo I a I a I I a I woe. Oh yea baby I a I oh yes, O you are my baby in my crib, and a darling in me motooooer carrrrr!
Kate claimed she was the main breadwinner in their marriage. She could claim Housing Allowance and he could not because he only had a cave in .
A row broke out and she said to Andrxroll: "You're an old singer that no one knows about. I'm miserable with you."
Andrx retaliated by singing: "I'm sooooo glad you who who reported this oh yeah man reported it, it ohhhhhh, report, because yuoooo will, oh yeah will know what kind of a stupid, arrogant, miserable cow she is.Whoo"
Melvin Moffit, a friend of the couple spoke last night:-
"All Kate and peter has ever wanted is to be left alone. except for me. I phone and text them all the time. they have never replied. but i was with them at their wedding. over the road. then i walked home."
BASILDON PARADE OF BEUATY QUEENS MARRED BY UGLY WOMEN OUTSIDE TOWNGATE PUBLIC HOUSE.
Basildon’s annual Parade Of Beauty Queens was marred Saturday by the presence of a group of ugly women outside the Towngate public house.
Henry Forshaw (45) the organizer of the yearly event said the parade was ruined by the presence of two dozen hideous local woman hanging about outside the pub and shouting abuse at the beautiful girls.
“Some of the contestants were reduced to tears by the cat-calling. One fat woman dressed in beer stained sensitive shorts and a tight fitting Motion Jacket between which her belly hung like a jelly fish, shouted, ‘You bunch of slags!’
Another woman who had a body that was so anorexic the cheeks of her backside looked like two electric irons, flicked a cigarette butt which hit 20 year old petite contestant Louise Workington in the face.”
Plastic pint ‘glasses’ were thrown at the Beauty Queen float as it passed between The Towngate and the Moon on the Square public houses. One female heckler holding two small children bellowed, ‘You toe rags couldn’t bring up kids properly like wot we do!’
Another of the women cried out, ‘You touch my fucking husband and I’ll tear your eyes out!’ And with that she blew snot into her hand and flicked it at the driver of the float. He flinched and in doing so pressed down on the throttle. The festive lorry lurched and ran over two of the protesting woman. One exploded with a loud bang and the other got caught between the double wheels and swiftly rotated before she was flung into a passing group of councillors who had, once again, failed to arrange the event. They were knocked over like skittles.
Police arrived and exacerbated by the fact that all of the female protesters were their wives and girl friends tore into sightseers. They lashed out, punching anyone who did not resist. Those who did resist were arrested. Their wife’s supported the officers with shrieks of: ‘Do the bastards up!’ and ‘Hit that good looking girl there!’
Most of the beauty queens were left with black eyes and broken noses.
Lara Lardon (27) said, “We hang about outside pubs because we refuse to take our kids inside. We have self-respect. Our children will grow up knowing that we took care of them. I will never allow my daughter to have a full pint until she is ten. And as for fags, know way - never before twelve. That is our code.”
Later, the women hammered a girl for wearing an Ejecta Seamless Compression Vest that fitted her.
ALCOHOL PANDEMIC FALLS ON BASILDON
EHO (Essex Health Organization) ups pandemic alert level.
The Essex Health Organization has raised the alert over booze flu to 55% Volume level - one short of a full-blown intoxicated epidemic, or pandemimoore.
A phase 55% volume alert means man-to-woman sexual transmission in at least two bedrooms.
The move comes after a 23 year old Basildon alcoholic died in Texas - Home Store - the first death from wine flu outside Wickford, where the outbreak originated.
In Spain, officials confirmed that all UK holiday makers have the booze flu.
Announcing the latest alert level after an emergency EHO meeting in The Moon on the Square, Director General Margaret O’ Reilly urged all public houses to activate their pandemic plans, including chairs & tables outside and heightened surveillance of smokers.
CONFIRMED CASES
The Beehive: 159 suspected talking a load of old ballocks - seven confirmed. The Towngate: one death from swallowing own vomit, at least 91 confirmed cases of blue veined noses. The Scene: 13 confirmed cases of poncing cigarettes. The Moon on the Square: 5 confirmed cases of sponging pints and 100 suspected cases of claiming Job Seekers Allowance illegally.
O’Riely said action should be undertaken with "increased urgent drinking".
She added: "It really is the whole of Basildon that is under threat in a booze pandemic."
But she also said the town was "better prepared for a pandemic than at any time in history. For the first time, the pandemic could be tracked in real time. Opening and closing time.
This was necessary because the virus could mutate at any time into a more dangerous strain - spirit drinking.“
The EHO says short measures are unlikely to prove effective. Up to 6,000,003 people could get drunk.
SYMPTOMS
Sufferers will initially experience flushing of the skin; then heart speed up; propensity to talk to much and loudly; loss of judgement; blurred vision; ugly barmaid looks attractive; conviction people are talking about you; compulsion to fight someone; unconsciousness and death.
NEW DATING SITE FOR BASILDON
 A dating site has been set up excusivly for Basildonians. At www.bazdate.com you can watch a video of the first lucky winners and meet the girl or boy of your choice. People who come from every corner of the dark continent known as Basildon!
The very first lucky girl is Mavis Trumpeturndinsideoutarse (49) with walking stick and wheelybin.
Mavis what do you like to do?
'I like to go into Smiths the Butchers and asked the old man who servers to get me a pound of grapes. Then when he has got those I ask him to get me a half pound of runner beans. I don't take no notice of the queue behind me. Then when he has got those I ask him to get me a ha' pound of cheese. By now he is going blue in the face and the person behind me is huffing. Then I take my time putting my shopping in my wheelie. The old man is waiting to be paid. I keep him waiting then suddenly stuff a tenna in his mitt. Before anyone can say anything, I say, 'You're not very nice are you' Thereby making them all feel guilty.'
That is so wonderful. What a wonderful story from Trumpeturndinsideoutarse. Now who is your date on tonight's wonderful show Mavis?
'Henry Carrot.'
And come on out Henry!
Wiping his nose Henry bends down and picks up a matchstick. He takes out an old rusty tin from his wide blowing trousers and rolls a dusty fag. His bandy legs follow him down the glittering staircase. He sneezes and a lump of snot bugles from his bulging nose and lands on the collar of his crippled grey tweed jacket. He trips over his crooked walking stick and falls on his large blue nose. Blood spurts onto the glassy floor and three beetles slip from his collar.
Well ladies and gentlemen is this not amazing Henry is so much in love with Trumpeturndinsideoutarse he has fallen over. Now Mavis why don't you just go over and help out your date? Is this not so amazing Ladies and Gentlemen. Our next two lonely hearts, if I may put it that way, are Fiftysixbits Grimsby and his date Irene Fridge. Here they are!
The golden curtain goes up and we see a old grey haired toothless skinny merchant who drags on his partner.
Now don't they look wonderful folks. Oh, yes they do, (gulp, he is getting bilious) Come down, yes come on down, mind you're medals there Mr. Grimsby, they are dragging on the floor.
'No, no son, don't you worry about my medals. I have worn these since I lost my wife to a German sniper. I got him though, oh yas, I got him. Unfortunately I stepped on a landmine as I was going to get him and as you can see the result. Stilts, yes I walk on stilts now.'
Yet if you don't mind me saying so: you are a small man.
'I'm a midget mate.'
Oh, come now, you are as tall as you feel.
'Fuck off, you cunt.'
Yes, thank you. Let the show go on. (I'll do you later, you old fart.) This is BazDate, and Mr. Grimsby, you have found a new partner in your life.
'Who is that then?'
The wonderful woman standing next to you?
'No that is the sniper. I stuffed him.'
Thank you. Get off. Now lets bring on a truly in love couple who met on BazDate. Darren Basebally and his new beautiful girlfriend Devoid Trumpeturndinsideoutarse. Are you related to Mavis?
'Das right. She's me muvver.'
And what do you like to do Deviod?
'Well, you know what I mean, I dos what has to be what it is and got to do what it is before what it is , isn't it.'
Over to you Darren, how long have you lived in Basildon?
'Bat, all me life.'
And you met Devoid via this site?
'Via? Wot's that?'
'By way of this dating site.'
'Oh yeah, this site that's right. I did.'
And I believe that you have a very important question to pop for Devoid?
'Das right I 'ave.'
Well ask it then.
'Yeah right. Devoid were did you put my socks?'
Not that question. Another more important one. Something to do with weddings
A glaze comes over Daren for a minute, then he snaps out of it and says,
'Oh yerh. Deviod will you marry me?'
A glaze comes over Devoid and she has to be carried off.
***
THE CAST:-
Mavis Trumpeturndinsideoutarse. SHARON STONE.
Henry Carrot. SIR IAN MCKELLIAN
Irene Fridge. CLINT EASTWOOD (a non speaking part)
Devoid Trumpeturndinsideoutarse. GIL GRISSOM.
Darren Basebally. HIMSELF.
The Compare. AN AUSTRALIAN WOMBAT. (trained by the cast}
The writer. WILLIAM SHAKESPARROT. (who red his plays)
 As my once uncle, ex PM Harold Macmillan, said, "You have never had it so good." By 'you' he meant you the lower orders. That was in 1960, but it still applies today in 2010.
That is , of course, if you do not research what life was like for the lower orders in 1960.
I order you not to. For your own sake of course. Such past knowledge will only result in unhappiness and more importantly - disquiet. Take it from me - your benevolent uncle Lord Rabbit, who have your material and psychologically wellbeing at heart.
Your perception of your circumstances is of the greatest importance to my class. We wish the continuance of the boundaries between ourselves and you to be kept strictly in place. So, you must not enquire into our doings, because such knowledge will cause discontent and perhaps shatter our painstaking and deliberate construction of your world view.
That is why we must from your school syllabus lesions in Critical Thinking and Philosophic method from your happy minds.
The Royal Family, my good friends and relations, live ordinary lives like you. The Queen uses Tupperware. And you are cognizant of the charitable work that she does, not to mention Prince Charles visiting pensioner homes to give old low order people good cheer. As he does the youth of lower order persons who are most useful to our military stock.
I is quite scandalous that the Freedom of Information Act allows you to see the well deserved privileges of our Lords and Ladies and well behaved MP's receive.
For envy is an insidious and destructive emotion. It follows the less we keep you from that dispiriting condition the better for your welfare. That is why we keep our doings free from nosy parkers like the mainstream media. Which takes not much effort on our part because all the news editors are on the side of justice and privacy.
So look not back and discover that your lives have not much improved in five decades. For such enlightenment might cause you to rally and receive broken heads from the end of a truncheon. Be at peace in your narrow fields and graze contentedly.
 It has come to my attention that some few of you lower orders regard my International News broadcasts as a mere extension of Show business.
This is not true. The news is presented in a quick fire format so to keep your attention on the facts. My news house policy is to keep the public informed of current events so that the viewer can make an informed choice. This is based on scientific media investigations and expert experimental examinations.
It is now known that the average attention span of the lower orders is 30 seconds. Therefore, our news reports are geared to that span. It is based on the 'NOW...THIS' parameters of the average concentration of a working class person.
At the end of every 30 second item you will receive a 'Now...This' moment quickly followed by another report or advertisement with no analysis or context of the previous item. This is favourable to your working conditions and the now nature of your usual life of being perpetually amused.
You have neither the time, nor the inclination for lengthy analysis. So be assured that I have your best interests at heart when I say, leave the thinking to us upper orders and allow yourselves the reward of an action only life.
Constant activity is good for your health and the binge drinking sessions that you have become used to. So, enjoy yourselves and live a life of constant amusement. This is what our permanent wars are all about. So that you can be safe and constantly entertained without the burden of thought.
I am so happy. My heart is racing. The future looks bight.
£100,000,000 from Invalid Benefits to pay for old people care.
I thought that that Grey Black Bush Eyebrows might take it from me and my fabulously rich friends.
It sad that we do not have him under complete control but we have to put up with some temperance of Democracy so that you, the lower orders, do overflow us with your poverty.
To think of all the years I have sent potato peelings to my servants, and now! It has paid off!
Why am I so giving? I do not know. I actually phoned, after hearing the news that we had escaped large taxes, my three large clothes making factories in India to give ever under 10 child no whip lashings on Thursdays.
I have my place in heaven. And why should I not? I have given the Pope my assurances that nothing will be evidenced about the goings on in Catholic Orphanages all over the world. In return he has administered a place for me alongside God.
It is also delightful that every teenager in the UK wants fame. They will spend all their time rehearsing some silly pop star instead of reading and understanding politics and science. How joyful it is for me to know that the majority of the UK masses are engaging their minds with trivia. More Big Brother, more cooking and infantile quiz shows says I.
The more their minds are occupied wit h nonsense the better I and my rich friends get away with raping the world. For what do I care if they live in a deplete Earth when I am gone?
Three cheers for the rich, hip, hip hurray, hip, hip hurray and hip hurray for me and the rich!
Oh Chillings, there you are. Bring me up those three Polish girls that my Blackshirts kidnapped last night. Tell Sweater - another feast!
And Chillings, how many times have I told you not to watch that film Spartacus. It is not good for your mind. Now, take is episode of On The Buses and concentrate.
 Are you all happy? Do not watch the News nor read Newspapers. That I may ask you to think for yourself is a difficult thing to ask. So I will not. You are my kind of people, my subjects. The lower orders have never been happier in this year of Our Lord 2010.
You have all the cars, ships, jets to take you all over the world. And still you are unhappy. Why?
It is because you live a mulled life.
focus ON ONE IDEA. I AM YOUR MASTER.
EAST, SOUTH, WEST OR WONDERLAND. I HAVE IT WITHIN MY POWER TO MAKE YOU ALL HAPPY.
Do you wish me too?
You cannot decide?
Then allow me...
Walk in though my golden gates. There will be no slam behind you. Look - your mother and father waiting. All those friends from childhood and school and all the wrongs that have been visited you will now put right. But even in heaven you have to walk. Your path is past, here is a path on which all your dreams on Earth will now come true. You say, that will take a long time, my lifetime or more. Yes, but here we have infinity. You can go back and see yourself being born, as you when young and you with lovers and then children. And you in everything you ever did.
No, you will not be asked to make amends, nor said a sinner, you will experience all of your wonderful dreams and make love to all your lovers and one night stands if you like. You will be a King or a Queen in ever castle you create with your imagination. If you wish to be a nun and help children and the infirm such is your wish. If you want to be a tyrant and rule a land of Robin Hoods then you may, if you wish adoration then here you are. A Superhero? Then fly. Nothing will stand in your way.
You want to meet all your favourite film stars, rock stars or radio stars, then do so.
Why? Surely a price must be paid?
Yes, a price has to be paid.
But you have paid it. By living as a human being.
All your pain is now rewarded. No more guilt, no more shame and no more rowing. Here in heaven all your earthy wants are at your command.
Me? I have had all I want on Earth. Physical and emotional joy and pain. Now, to see you happy, like watching children play, I'm okay.
RADIOACTIVE FART KILLS BASILDON MAN
Albert Cowpat (56) has died from a radioactive fart.
A post-mortem examination is due to be carried out on the body of the former Council spy.
Those present will wear protective masks to avoid contamination by traces of the polonium-210 isotope stink.
The probe into the death has seen two public lavatory pans tested for fart radiation and a turd is to be flown to Wickford Stinks laboratory for checks.
It has emerged that Basildon Market stall salesperson Lesley Mince and Colors barman Mackie Kickers both sat on the pans.
The pair defecated in the public toilet on the market 18 times since Cowpat fell into an isotopic fart coma.
A spokesman for the homosexual club Colors said the two minces had contacted the NHS for health advice after their backsides developed huge holes.
The ongoing investigation has unearthed traces of fart radiation at 14 toilet locations in Basildon, including The Towngate and Beehive public houses, the Job Centre and the now defunct CSA offices on the 5th floor of Great Oaks House.
That includes two bus driver seats, which tested positive after being used to drive between Basildon and Wickford.
The council have stressed that any risk to public health is low, but this is an excellent opportunity to scare the public and rubbish communist Wickford
EXPOSURE RISK
Sweat or urine from the seats could lead to exposure. But polonium-210 farts must be ingested with carrots to cause damage. Radiation has very short range and cannot pass through skin without an injection. Not thinking about the danger eliminates illness.
Mr Cowpat, an ex-KGB boxer and a fierce critic of neighbours putting black rubbish bags on his doorstep, died last week of radiation farts attributed to the highly toxic stink isotope polonium-210.
The inquest into the death of Mr Cowpat was opened and adjourned before the pubs opened on Thursday.
Coroner Dr Andrew Reid said the level of radioactive fart in Mr Cowpat’s system indicated it had come from a source ‘other than a natural one’.
COWPAT 'S MOVEMENTS
1: Drinks at The Towngate
2: Drinks at The Beehive
3: Drinks at home in Felmores
4: Admitted to Basildon hospital for drinks
5: Transferred to Pitsea tip for drinks, where he dies on 23 November.
7: Drinks at Graveyard
BASILDON MUSIC USED AS TORTURE
Basildon musicians don't want their tunes used for torture.
The U.S. has used loud music against those held on Canvey Island, near Iraq and Afghanistan, and Basildon music folk are complaining. They are banding together to demand the U.S. military stop using their songs as weapons.
Blaring from a speaker behind a metal grate in his tiny cell, Lenny Hipjoint said,
‘What? I can’t hear you.’
Like a sonic bludgeon Hot Metal curled his ears and bent the his brain. He is a suspected terrorist from Pitsea.
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‘Blood poured from my ears and my teeth vibrated like a jack hammer, as for the fiftieth time my jailers played ‘Steel Shakes In Pitsea Tip’ by The Westmayne Wild Bunch. My bunk was wired up to the electric socket and my hair frazzled up like a man on acideeed. The sound of distorted guitars chewed into my bones and I felt as if I were going to be pulsated to death.’
The auditory assault went on for days, weeks, months and then minutes. ‘Dance of the Wickford Vampires’ went on so long I thought I was turning into a vampire, especially when I sucked the blood out of my only friend, a cockroach. It turned on me, scuttled up my leg and lay four million eggs in my pants.’
Eggy Handsworth, local rock band leader said,
‘I will not have it man. My music will not be used as a form of torture.’ When told his music was not played, he got upset.
Military contractor Eric Blackwater of Billericay, told The Echoing About Sod All Newspaper he was suicidal after reading their rag.
‘Systematically using boring stories loudly should not be allowed. Local people have had enough of death and destruction, we want bereavement and devastation for a change, to cheer us up.’
With that Blackwater put on his balaclava and shouted at his neighbours through a rolled up newspaper.
Asbos will be given to all prisoners for Christmas if they complain.
Mavis O' Communist said, ‘What we all need is a dose of AC/DC and five fingers of an Irish potato drink.
4 medium potatoes
1 tsp of boot leather,
30g plain IRA
Pinch of bog rebellion
BASILDON POP LEGEND GARY NUMAN DIES
Pop legend Gary Nuteman has died of ego-burnout at an indeterminate age, said his publicist MAX CLIFFRICH.
The blue-eyed star of pop records like ‘Cars’ and ‘Butch Chevrolet And The Studebaker Kid’ died on stage at Hammersmith Pails’ on Tuesday whilst singing a re-make of ‘Cars’
Born in Redfordville as Cliff Webb, Gary was nominated for an Oscar 10 times by What Car magazine, winning the best driver trophy in 1987 for ‘The Colour Of My New Car.’
His co-star Robert Redface led tributes, saying: "I have lost a reliant. I have no gas in my engine to rev how I feel.”, he then went on to give a four hour speech.
"Gary Nuwman drove many unforgettable cars," he said in a further statement, "But the ones for which he was proudest like, Morris Minor and Mini, he never liked“.
In April 2007, Nuwman said he was giving up singing because he could no longer compete with his idol homosexulist David Boweeeebum.
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SELECT FILMOGRAPHY:1955 Car on a Hot Tin Roof, 1972 Cool Car Luke, 1973 The Towering Car, 2006 Cars (voice). |
"I'm not able to work any more at the level of campiness that I want," he told Alvin Stardust. "You start to lose your electric friends, you start to lose your replicas, and you start to lose your tappets.”
Sir Michael Parrot said: "The thing I remember the most about him is his total lack of talent, his huge ego and the £49 pounds he owes me,”
.
"He demanded to be seen as a working actor and not a pop star. He got both wrong. He was the link between Punk and Adam Ant. He fills the gap between the two, and fills it in a most extraordinary, effeminate and manly manner, short, yet a giant of his own style, copied from Brando and BoweeeeBum."
Gary Nickers had a duel personality, at once he was singing opposite Elizabeth Tattler in the film Car On A Hot Tin Roof, this made both of them to go out to Runberlows and by a TV on which they could fall in love on and off screen, but then often wanking over Bravo Davy, the master of such songs as Tom Have You Landed Yet, and of course Ashes to Abram, where a tractor pushed the Palestinian people into mass graves.
An old friend of Unmans said, ’I bought that jar of pottage and I threw up.”
We will now go over to the kindly village of Hollywood and speak to Joe Jew, the dominate man in all his picture making studios,
Basildoneye Hollywood reporter Nance Nicecake asked Joe Jew, ’What was Newman really like?’
‘He was a bum. He couldn’t act. We did it all for him, the lighting, the clothes, the voice coaches, and den he couldn’t speak! No, we made him a star. Know why, he looked good on screen. Der ladies went for the jerk. So, what do I care? Right!
Any der way what you looking for Nicecake. Hey das a pritty good name. So?
Oh no not me. No I’m happy where I am reporting for Basildoneye.
Who dat? Some dinky newspaper outlet dat no ones knows any dik about. Hey, Nancy, I like doo, let’s have a good time waada say?
I must follow my story about why Gary Newman died. I appreciate you friendship, and I like you to, but why did Newman die?
Doo you see dat man over dar?
Yes I do.
His name is Friday Whap, You know why dat is?
No, I do not, and I’m getting rather nervous now.
He Whaps our foes, but only on a Friday, soomtick to do wit being Catholic. Nacey Nicecake, do not worry. We all come to our end just like Paul Newman.
So you go home and write sometink nice.
VIEW FROM A PEW. LIZ'S WEDDING.
Basildoneye showbiz reporter Nancy Nicecake had a front pew among the glitterati at Elizabeth Hutley's wedding.
Here, for Basildoneye, Nancy provides a fascinating bird's-eye view of an extraordinary day.
As we waited for the bride the choir sung Roll Out The Barrell.
When Elizabeth appeared, with ten attendant gin and tonics, it was no anti-climax. Her dress had a very simple top, nothing, while the skirt and train seemed to be made of beer mats.
Later, when I was talking to Elizabeth and was able to put my hand up her dress and feel it, I found her pubic hairs were platted in rows and rows of closely packed pleats.
In the choir stalls sat the two families: glaring with hatred at each other. The parents shouting abuse.
Her son Damian, as trainbearer, held her long breasts high in the air. The light caught on simple band of diamonds serving as a mock tiara. Following behind them were all the children, who behaved like frenzied goblins.
The boys wore beautifully cut white cocaine covered jackets and the little girls wore tight mini-skirts with fitted bodices and wore garish lipstick with lime-green eye shadow.
The chapel at Rudely Castle is not large. It is very beautiful and was made more so by dozens of creamy white plastic roses.
We had been warned that the chapel would be cold and many of the congregation were wrapped in ambulance blankets.
Then, talent less actress Patsy Kensit emerged to read a section from her Emerdale Farm script. She wore a bare-shouldered, black chiffon scarecrow suit, the straw of which cascaded gracefully down the pulpit steps. I thought she was a very brave girl.
As the service progressed, it became clear this was a normal, if top-of-the-range, show biz wedding service: completely insincere.
Elizabeth was briefly overcome with emotion, bursting into tears when she screamed at her bridegroom Arunout Naypot as he staggered down the aisle completely drunk, followed by a crowd of fawning sycophants.
Damian had needed the loo but he was a little too late and shit on the steps of the chapel.
Afterwards, while we were all deep into the Snakebite and the photographs were being taken, I was free to talk to strangers I'm afraid that Patsy Konsit and Sir Elton Fred were the only famous people I recognised and to look around at what people were wearing.
Anything, it seemed, from loud West Indian shirts with peg bottom trousers to semi-silk cocktail bras. One very thin woman - a mere slice of a girl - wore a dress than fell off her as she fell over an old queer in silver sequins.
A number of seriously tall girls, 6ft and well over, were sticking up around the room like telegraph poles.
I have never seen any room as beautiful as the octagonal marquee where we dined. The neon lighting was quiet, the ceiling damp, and sprinkled with cobwebs.
All about the dance floor were round dwarves. On each hung table-chandeliers, with cream-coloured plastic roses round them. A phalanx of bouncers were shoving guests around.
Before dinner was seriously under way, members of both families - Arunout's father and Elizabeth's uncle, fell amongst the tables insulting people. Arunout and Elizabeth also made sure that they slapped every single guest.
The time came for Arunout and his brother, the best man, to make their excellent respective speeches. Arunout's ended with the words, 'As for Elizabeth, I'm going to give her a right seeing too later'.
His brother's speech contained the traditional accounts of fraternal larks and scrapes while at university where they were both bummed.
This closeness is a bond between the families. I know how the Huntley clan are always there for each other, keeping in close touch so that other families can be maligned and gossiped about.
Sir Elton Fred, in his speech, paid tribute to Elizabeth's late father, saying that he gave great head. Later, Sir Elton sang for us, in what looked like a sack.
I wish I could record what he sang, but I have forgotten it. Suddenly the party came to life!
Everyone loved the orgy. I must admit, except me. I think I was the only lesbian there who did not get sex.
It is often forgotten that celebs, icons, whatever one calls them, are real people - and I believe that Elizabeth has suffered a great deal from resentment engendered by her beauty, her modishly tiny frame and her large mouth.
We should not forget that she did not inherit wealth, but made it all by herself, every penny, and is therefore entitled, I think, to grudging respect and envy.
ID CARDS AND SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS COULD ‘FUNCTION CREEP’ BASILDON
Function creeping is the new threat that could undermine freedom in Basildon and then the whole world, including Mars.
The council should limit the data and rubbish collections to once a month and not every hour. This is necessary to stop citizens being hunted down and killed by large groups of Banwans.
The select committee must select proper safeguards so that selections of the public will not be selected. This is a threat to environmental privacy, whatever that it.
We must not expand elastic bands beyond what is can be expanded in the Pop industry, otherwise we will end up stretched beyond the limits of what is acceptable by lunatics.
The Ministry of Justice said it had to balance protecting Albert Honk with protecting frogs.
'Ambiguity'
The National Identity Scheme is due to start rolling out later this year in an Asda‘s trolley, a three wheeled car and a cripple. It will eventually hold details on everyone in Basildon over the age of 68.
The select committee said in a report: "It should collect only essential milk bottles and bean cans, to be stored only for as long as is necessary.
"We are concerned... about the potential for 'function creep' in terms of other types of creeping.
"Any ambiguity about the objectives of the scheme puts in jeopardy the public's trust in MP3’s who get their Nanny’s doing secretarial work as well as looking after their brats."
So vote against AIDS and Weapons of Mass Destruction before we are all killed to death by sociopath Politicians
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