VIEW FROM A PEW. LIZ'S WEDDING.

 

Basildoneye showbiz reporter Nancy Nicecake had a front pew among the glitterati at Elizabeth Hutley's wedding.

 

Here, for Basildoneye, Nancy provides a fascinating bird's-eye view of an extraordinary day.

 

As we waited for the bride the choir sung Roll Out The Barrell.

 

When Elizabeth appeared, with ten attendant gin and tonics, it was no anti-climax. Her dress had a very simple top, nothing, while the skirt and train seemed to be made of beer mats.

 

Later, when I was talking to Elizabeth and was able to put my hand up her dress and feel it, I found her pubic hairs were platted in rows and rows of closely packed pleats.

 

In the choir stalls sat the two families: glaring with hatred at each other. The parents shouting abuse.

 

Her son Damian, as trainbearer, held her long breasts high in the air. The light caught on simple band of diamonds serving as a mock tiara. Following behind them were all the children, who behaved like frenzied goblins.

 

The boys wore beautifully cut white cocaine covered jackets and the little girls wore tight mini-skirts with fitted bodices and wore garish lipstick with lime-green eye shadow.

 

The chapel at Rudely Castle is not large. It is very beautiful and was made more so by dozens of creamy white plastic roses.

 

We had been warned that the chapel would be cold and many of the congregation were wrapped in ambulance blankets.

 

Then, talent less actress Patsy Kensit emerged to read a section from her Emerdale Farm script. She wore a bare-shouldered, black chiffon scarecrow suit, the straw of which cascaded gracefully down the pulpit steps. I thought she was a very brave girl.

 

As the service progressed, it became clear this was a normal, if top-of-the-range, show biz wedding service: completely insincere.

 

Elizabeth was briefly overcome with emotion, bursting into tears when she screamed at her bridegroom Arunout Naypot as he staggered down the aisle completely drunk, followed by a crowd of fawning sycophants.

 

Damian had needed the loo but he was a little too late and shit on the steps of the chapel.

 

Afterwards, while we were all deep into the Snakebite and the photographs were being taken, I was free to talk to strangers I'm afraid that Patsy Konsit and Sir Elton Fred were the only famous people I recognised and to look around at what people were wearing.

 

Anything, it seemed, from loud West Indian shirts with peg bottom trousers to semi-silk cocktail bras. One very thin woman - a mere slice of a girl - wore a dress than fell off her as she fell over an old queer in silver sequins.

 

A number of seriously tall girls, 6ft and well over, were sticking up around the room like telegraph poles.

 

I have never seen any room as beautiful as the octagonal marquee where we dined. The neon lighting was quiet, the ceiling damp, and sprinkled with cobwebs.

 

All about the dance floor were round dwarves. On each hung table-chandeliers, with cream-coloured plastic roses round them. A phalanx of bouncers were shoving guests around.

 

Before dinner was seriously under way, members of both families - Arunout's father and Elizabeth's uncle, fell amongst the tables insulting people. Arunout and Elizabeth also made sure that they slapped every single guest.

 

The time came for Arunout and his brother, the best man, to make their excellent respective speeches. Arunout's ended with the words, 'As for Elizabeth, I'm going to give her a right seeing too later'.

 

His brother's speech contained the traditional accounts of fraternal larks and scrapes while at university where they were both bummed.

 

This closeness is a bond between the families. I know how the Huntley clan are always there for each other, keeping in close touch so that other families can be maligned and gossiped about.

 

Sir Elton Fred, in his speech, paid tribute to Elizabeth's late father, saying that he gave great head. Later, Sir Elton sang for us, in what looked like a sack.

I wish I could record what he sang, but I have forgotten it. Suddenly the party came to life!

 

Everyone loved the orgy. I must admit, except me. I think I was the only lesbian there who did not get sex.

 

It is often forgotten that celebs, icons, whatever one calls them, are real people - and I believe that Elizabeth has suffered a great deal from resentment engendered by her beauty, her modishly tiny frame and her large mouth.

 

We should not forget that she did not inherit wealth, but made it all by herself, every penny, and is therefore entitled, I think, to grudging respect and envy.

 

 

ID CARDS AND SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS COULD ‘FUNCTION CREEP’ BASILDON

 

Function creeping is the new threat that could undermine freedom in Basildon and then the whole world, including Mars.

 

The council should limit the data and rubbish collections to once a month and not every hour. This is necessary to stop citizens being hunted down and killed by large groups of Banwans.

 

The select committee must select proper safeguards so that selections of the public will not be selected. This is a threat to environmental privacy, whatever that it.

 

We must not expand elastic bands beyond what is can be expanded in the Pop industry, otherwise we will end up stretched beyond the limits of what is acceptable by lunatics.

 

The Ministry of Justice said it had to balance protecting Albert Honk with protecting frogs.

 

'Ambiguity'

 

The National Identity Scheme is due to start rolling out later this year in an Asda‘s trolley, a three wheeled car and a cripple. It will eventually hold details on everyone in Basildon over the age of 68.

 

The select committee said in a report: "It should collect only essential milk bottles and bean cans, to be stored only for as long as is necessary.

 

"We are concerned... about the potential for 'function creep' in terms of other types of creeping.

 

"Any ambiguity about the objectives of the scheme puts in jeopardy the public's trust in MP3’s who get their Nanny’s doing secretarial work as well as looking after their brats."

 

So vote against AIDS and Weapons of Mass Destruction before we are all killed to death by sociopath Politicians