|
INBRIEF
HOME BLOG TOWN KROWDON POEMS STELLA ARCHIVE
LOOTERS NOT GIVEN ENOUGH TIME.
Looters have complained that they were not given enough time to loot all goods.
“Na, da police didn’t treat us fair man.” said Philip Rube (16) “Day never give us time to rob everyfing. As soon as ay were in the shop, I hardly ‘ad thirty seconds before da police started up wiv da shield beating an’ blowin’ da sirens an’ everyfing man. Ah had only time to get me two pairs of trainers an’ a flat screen TV. If ar had more time, ar could hav’ got a load more stuff. Dat is the trouble wiv the Old Bill da always on ya man. Can’t earn no livin’ sellin’ drugs cos da before you get dem out your bum, de police doin’ da arrest. We put apon man. An all dis CCTV das not fair neither. Me sittin’ at ‘ome an’ all da police wiv all da riot gear on bash in. Das wot I call rioters.”
LOCAL MAN LONELY
 Richard Allis (32) was fed up living with his mother and father. He could not bare it any longer. He wanted them dead. After a long wait he was finally allocated a council flat. He now suffers from unbearable loneliness.
“At first I was excited to finally experience being alone in my own place. I could watch what I liked on TV and come and go as I pleased. After a few weeks I started to feel lonely and missed the chatter I had with my parents, but when I left I told them that I didn’t need them any more, I was a free man and they could stick it!
“I regret that, because now I have no one to talk to. The isolation is awful. When I see something funny on the telly, I look around for someone to laugh with. My laughter echo’s back at me from the bare walls. No one phones. I haven’t any friends. My private space brings only unrelenting isolation. I feel remote and cut-off. I lie awake at night wishing I had a pet to keep me company, but I don’t like pet
My neighbours had a party last night. Normally I would get into a rage a shout ‘Shut up! Turn that row down, you wankers!’, but I wished they had come and invited me. I bought two large bottles of cider just in case, but no one knocked.
“I sit staring at the walls with this horrible sense of dread. I wonder how long it takes for someone to find me dead.”
Allis suddenly burst into tears at a kitchen table with only one place setting
BASILDON CHANGES NAME.
Top Tory Councillor Changes Spelling of Name to 'Basilwindsor'
“It looks cooler that way” says Tory leader Bounce Ball.
Calling the old spelling "totally working class," said the Top Tory councillor. So he voted on his own Tuesday to change the town’s name to “Basilwindsor” effective immediately.
“Basildon without an association to the Royal family is so Essex boring," said Ball, leaning on the bar of the Beehive public house, gulping gin & tonics over and over on his expenses.
"It looks up market the new way. At the moment the town has too much association to the East End of London. That may have been fine years ago when the poor moved out of the slums, but now it is lower class and almost foreign."
The move is believed to have been motivated by a similar move in 1947 by Billerikacky changing its name to Billericay.
BAILIFF’S: OUR TROOPS AT HOME.
“Bailiff’s are as heroic at home as our troops abroad.” So said Pugnose Gusset, chairman of Marstonpuke Groupies Ltd. High Court Enforcement Officers & Certified Thugs.
“This company has shown courage in the face of poor people. Staff have been involved with forcible shoulder pushing, loud door knocking and frightening woman and children for over a century.
We are proud of our record of intimidating behaviour, fingering through draws into underwear and unplugging TV sets. It is vital that we charge huge fees, pocket fines and scare shitless the vulnerable. All we do is ordained by the State. We are a law abiding organization. We never overstep our lawful powers.
Some have accused our officers of behaviour only attributed to gangsters. This is false. And can be proved so by the fact we are authorised by the state. We are allowed to use reasonable force, and as every policeman knows, this means psychological and physical violence.
If children are involved during a 'pocketing' order, they are treated with the same respect shown to the debtor, with complete impartiality and indifference. Our officers are picked from the highest ranks of heavy weight boxers, wresters and ex-military personnel who profoundly enjoy enforcement. They are trained to deal with the dregs of society: the unread, untaught and unfortunate. Namely, the poor. Our masters, the read, taught and fortunate. Namely, the rich. Give us our powers, and, notwithstanding, our privileges with regard to the law, of which we mostly act above, as, indeed they do.
We are proud to belong to that regiment of Bailiffs’ without whom the fortunate would have no recourse but to do their own dirty work. We are most the unintelligent, uncivilized, and unidentified bunch of thugs every to walk the alleys of Hades”
LOCAL MAN BARRED FOR ETERNITY
 'arry Blake is the first man in Basildon barred for eternity.
There is no 3 month bar for Blake, nor 6 months, not even life - he is barred for the rest of time. Sol, the solar systems star is predicted to explode in 4 billion years, but even after that Blake will never be able to buy a pint in a certain public house.
Harry burst into song on his birthday. He was 85. Such behaviour is no longer allowed in Basildon pubs.
Before he got through the opening lines of ’They’ll Be Bluebird’s Over The White Cliff’s Of Dover’ he was pounced upon by a 34 year old manager who told him to leave as he was upsetting a 4 year old having din dins with his grandparents in a Weatherspoons public house near Basildon market.
A spokesperson for Weatherspoons said,
“We have strict policy of no singing; no wearing of hats; piggy back riding and of course no smoking. No taking beer outside if smoking and no chatting-up of bar personnel, and no experiencing the affects of alcohol. In fact any of our valued customers who do anything normally associated with alcohol for the past 300 years in England will be banned for eternity. These are the strict policies of our chain.”
When challenged by Mr. Blake that Weatherspoons should run restaurants and not pubs, the Quaker spokesperson said,
“The partaking of mild alcoholic drink is acceptable, but not if it is going to lead to loud laughter, working class banter, lewd looking at women or any forms of enjoyment that is excessive in our churches opinion. Furthermore, the slapping of backs, heavy handshaking and inane grinning is also under review. Any customer who behaves as he or she would not do in front of a tight-fisted, narrow minded spinster will be considered a threat to society, seriously curtailed and hopefully jailed.
SYNTHETIC ORGANISMS FOUND IN BASILDON
 The ‘synthetic organisms’ can be seen hanging around Basildon Town Centre.
This organism has a ‘minimal genome brain’ that gets all its information from The Sun newspaper. It’s intellectual capacity can be inserted into the shell of a bacterium.
These ‘people’ are collectively called Mycoplasma genitalium they have the minimum number of genes required to replicate. Many can be seen pushing their offspring about, with a cigarette hanging from their mouths and subsisting in a controlled environment called Primark, which company has privatised and patented these synthetic life forms to become zombie consumers.
Dr Craig Benter, the man who led the effort to sequence the human genome, has been working for years to create a man-made organism.
But constructing a primitive microbe from a kit of genes is a daunting task.
Dr Benter said, we eventually found the most primitive life form in Basildon. From this material we constructed a synthetic ‘free-living organism that can grow and replicate football shirts and drink larger until it is sick.’
THE GUN IN MY POCKET.
by Hit Blank, crime reporter.
 The night was young but I was old. At least I felt old as I pressed the button of the club. I pulled a butt from the top pocket of my black suit and lit it with my Zippo. The flame lit my mush and that's when I saw her.
Her hair reflected the light in a cascade of blonde, her eyes were as green as jealousy, and her lips were as red as devil's horns. She slapped my face, beat past me and walked up the stairs like a snake on cocaine. I followed flicking my cigarette into the face of a creep.
I ordered a double Jack and took in the room. Spiky Cole was leaning against the bar. He had a scar hooked from mouth to eye. I gave him that two years ago when I got tied up in this mystery. Henry Bougarde had his hand up the dress of a two bit redhead named Rena who would sell her soul for a buck. Billy Two Shoes looked at me over his thin rimmed glasses. He nodded and I winked back. He knew who I was because I slapped him around for taking money from Rena when she had a soul. Next to that squirt was Paulie Monstask, a man that when he hit you, you stay hit - for a week.
But these drones I was not interested in. I was looking for the blonde.
Guess you don't know her, so let me introduce: she came from Irish stock as small as the town. One bar and one sister. Her beauty bought her sexual abuse from her father and the boys around town. She won a beauty contest and naively thought a modelling career, but all the career she got was prostitution. She carries a gun in her bandanna and two grand in her shoes.
Her name - sure -
Nancy Nicecake.
BASILDON GIRL FAKES IT WITH LONDON MAN.
By Nancy Nicecake, sex reporter.
It is true that most woman have faked an organism. The majority of men will never admit this has happened to them, even if they knew. So, why and how does a woman fake it? Well, I had an interview with a Basildon girl who had done it recently. Her name is Betty Banta (32) who met a handsome, but arrogant man from London who believed he was the Devils gift to woman. She said:-
'He was tall and handsome and when he walked through the doors of The Beehive public house that night I was so attracted to him. He was charming and full of anecdotes. He made me and my girlfriends laugh and as the night wore on we seemed to pair up. We went to a nightclub, Katz Gentleman's Club and he regaled me about the many laptop dancers he had seduced. I thought he must be a great lover and so I was easily persuaded to go to his friends flat.
'We had a few drinks and he started to make love to me. The first thing that put me off was that his hands were all over me, I mean they never stopped moving, neither settling on my breasts, nor my thighs, nor anywhere. There was no foreplay, just an immediate rush to get his cock inside me. He did and then he started to moan, 'You like it baby?' over and over. He did not kiss my nipples, he did not lick my clit and he did not finger me so that I came first. He was useless, so I pretended to enjoy it, heavy breathing and faked moans. I dressed as quickly as possible afterwards and caught a taxi home.'
What did Betty have to say about the man:-
'He had all the spoken communication I like, but none of the tongues I admire.'
UNLUCKY FAMILY DIE
An unlucky Basildon family all died yesterday. The Cabbage family were found in their flat dead. They all had miserable expressions on their faces. The father was found at the bottom of the stairs after apparently tripping over his crutches. The mother lay on the kitchen floor with a lit electric iron on her face. It seems she slipped on a five pound note that had fallen out of her housecoat. The son was sat in front of an exploded computer monitor. His head was hanging off. His sister lay in the bath electrocuted. Her hair drier under the water beside her.
The coroner said it was an unfortunate case of being unlucky.
HEATHER'S WOODEN LEGS SOLD
A worm-ridden wooden legs worn by Heather Mills in ‘Breakfast at Macca’s’ has sold for £7.63 at a London auction.
Gasps and laughter were heard at Christie's auction house as bids for the black sleeveless legs exceeded the expected price of £7.32
The winning sum, paid by a telephone hoodie, is believed to be a world record for wooden legs used in a film flop.
A pair of mangy knickers worn by Jane Goody on Big Brother fetched £1.15 in 2004.
Mill's legs was designed for one of her best-known roles, as a sociopath Essex slag Holly Gimp in the 1986 film adaptation, ‘I’m Long John Silver Get Me Outta Here.’
A bidder paid 50p to smell the garment, whilst Miss Goody showed her huge bum for a cock and sparrow.
Proceeds from the sale go to the Heather Million’s Chopped off Limbs Aid charity, which was set up by Bert Legless.
‘There are tears in my eyes’ said Million’s, who was given another onion by her best friend Victoria Beckhamberger.
‘I am absolutely dumbfounded to believe that a piece of old wood which belonged to a magical tree will now enable me to buy bricks and cement to put the most destitute gold-diggers in the world into modelling schools.’
 A new sensational nightclub bar hit Basildon last Tuesday.
The Hitler Bar.
All races and religions are welcome. Jews, Muslims and East Enders!
The ground floor bar will be decorated in Nazi flags. Swastika type arm bands will be free to all patrons who spill the beans before 2am!
At midnight on Friday a raffle for a long leather overcoat, worth £350! What a gas!
Upstairs is the Jewish Bar. Here a replica of the Wailing Wall has been erected where anyone can sway back and forth at the wall to the music of The Fagin Combo. Oh man!
Downstairs is The Crypt Bar where The Father Christmas Priests Jazz Set will be waiting to bounce girls to the jazz of Ono Knee.
Speciality drinks include: The Himmler Hit, The Mengele Martini and The Klaus Kick.
So frog march along to The Hitler Bar. The only gratification of inflicting pain for no reason bar in Basildon.
MAN STUNG BY BEE IN BED
Mr. Hickey Halibert, celebrated editor of Basildoneye and friend of Sir Mary Dunne, was stung by a bee on Tuesday morning whilst reposing in bed.
‘I was reading the Beano when suddenly I heard buzzing. At first I thought in was a Bluebottle fly, but no, it was a bee. It buzzed about my head like a kamikaze, causing me to drop my comic. Waving my hands about, I felt a tickle on my waist. I looked down and the bee was nestled between the side of my waist and the bed.
‘Calmly I panicked and the bee stung me. Not once, but twice! (was it a wasp) I bravely jumped out of bed and did an African dance. The bee was climbing up my pillow. I rolled up the Radio Times and swiped the bee. After several near hits I was out of breath and had to sit down. Unfortunately the bee had moved to the chair I sat down on.’
Mr. Halibert was taken to Basildon Hospital where the bee was removed from his anus.
MOTORWAYS SWAPPED.
The A13 and A127 have been swapped around. Not every bit of the two roads, but just those portions to the north and south of Basildon.
A Basildon council spokesperson said that the move was authorised by the Tory led council because they were bored.
The staggering cost of the swap is reported to be in the millions of pounds. Now when driving along the A127 suddenly you will be driving along the A13 instead and vice versa.
The move was made unnoticed by Basildon residents last Tuesday night under the cover of darkness. Five million Polish workers were drafted in. Half the workforce picked up the stretch of A13 and carried up the A127, while the other half carried the A127 down to the A13.
The only way drivers will notice is when they pass through a hazy cloud and find their cars going backwards for three miles.
Lived motorist, Andy Smith (35), said he was late for work because of the change.
CABBIES PUT OFF BY IN-CAR CCTV
CABBIES are snubbing the chance to have CCTV fitted in their vehicles - following a spate of over charging.
Tony Bigotill, the council's deputy leader, believes the CCTV cameras will put an end to over charging. He said: "While some drivers do not over charge, we would urge them to do so.
"This would go some way to improving the life style of taxi drivers and act as a warning to any punters who think they can get reasonable cab fares around Basildon."
Ralph (The Digger) Rich, treasurer of Basildon Hackney Carriage Association, is in favour over high over charging.
He said members may soon be able to take even more advantage of the gullibility of the local public. He said: "I've got a camera in my cab and I can’t over charge because the camera might see me.”
"A lot of taxi drivers think the council should pay them compensation for the loss of earnings. The way I see it, my cab is like a mobile bank. If bank can’t swipe money off the public what good is it? It will sink like a Northern Rock. I don't think we can realistically expect taxi drivers to pay for three holidays a year in Spain without robbing our customers."
Mr Bootil highlighted the interests of drivers as he voiced his support for a zero-tolerance approach to customer complains.
He said: "Taxi drivers should be able to go about their work without the fear of punters getting upset about high taxi fares.
"We utterly condemn any sort of behaviour that threatens the enrichment of cab drivers."
Basildon Hire Fares Association has repeated its message that late-night drunks who don’t realise they are over charged should not be told.
Dave Uptown, The Chairman of the Private Crooks for Hire Association, said: "We have to put across that taxi thugs who abuse and rob the public will not be prosecuted."
MORE PEOPLE IN BASLDON THIS SATURDAY THAN LAST SAYS BASILDON MAN.
Robert Fansquash (48) said that there was more people in Basildon town centre this week than last week. When asked how he knew, he said, 'I just know how many people are about. It is a gift. When I'm at a party, within an hour I know how many people are there. You know the pop group Take That, there were five people in in, now there are four. In Africa there are more people now than six million years ago. Then there were none because people were not invented. It is like when I walk in a lift, if I wait long enough no one is in it except me. When I sit indoors there is no one there except me. Sometimes there is, like when I invite the postman in. He never comes in so I'm on my own. The aliens come at night, mainly.'
BASILDON BROADBAND SLOWER
Broadband speeds in Basildon are much slower than rest of UK, a study by Computermash magazine has found.
Some 3,000 readers took part in speed tests and 92% found they routinely got half the speed of Billericay people.
Regulator Ofcom said it was aware that people in Basildon thought slower than neighbouring towns and was investigating the issue.
"This problem has been building for a while with a growing gulf between Basildon brains and the rest of Essex.“ said Paul Allenbury, editor of Computermash.
"The adverts on Basildon internet often have huge lettering with more pictures.", he said.
"Users who have taken the test were surprised to find that their brains were half the size of monkeys" he added.
Speed tests found that Basildon brains could received less than a quarter of their maximum bandwidth. While Basildon consumers may currently not notice their sluggish connections, this could change thinks Mr Allenbury.
"Previously it has not been a massive issue but recently Basildon residents have been connecting to people outside the town and have noticed outsiders can type much faster on MSM.
Speaking for the telecommunications watchdog, a spokesman said: "Basildon people can only communicate at a drawl with prolonged vowels. The only people they can keep up with are those who live in the backwoods of Kentucky or Cornwall. It's about the difference between the rate a fish and snail can communicate.”
The spokesman said Ofcom was working with the net industry and other organisations such as Which to investigate the extent of the problem and what can be done about it.
"Once we have carried out this work we will assess what options might be available to tackle it," he said. The results of the investigation would be made available slowly in the near future on a lazy summers day, said the spokesman.
Research by market analysts Point Topic suggests that, in many areas of the UK, few people will ever be able to talk to Basildon people. Only 5% of the population will be able to. More than half will never be in touch. Basildon may become a cyber-leper island.
"We will make sure broadband advertising does not advertise at speeds that cannot be comprehended," he said. "They have to make it clear that there is a best possible speed for some communities rather than an average speed."
It ruled that broadband providers could use the words "up to" 8 per minute when describing services as long as Basildon customers were likely to get close to those speeds.
A survey last month by consumer group Which found that Basildon consumers with services promising speeds of up to 8 words per minute were actually getting an average speed of 2 words.
There are many variables that determine the speed of a connection, including how far away from the brain and fingers the computer is, how many other thoughts are using the brain at the same time and
the quality of the brain wiring within a head.
ROBBIE, THE QUEEN AND JESUS AT BASILDON FESTIVAL
THE Basildon Festival could be transformed into a global concert held across two millennia weekends, Basildoneye can reveal. (or speculate or fabricate)
The only way the Gloucester Park event will pay for itself is to get top pop acts, royalty and a celebrity.
Robbie Williams might come, though why he should bother we don’t know. Her Majesty The Queen could make an appearance. Well, it is possible. And what if Jesus manifested himself! That would draw crowds from as far away as Wickford.
But major concerts are not the way forward. So the festival will remain a small fair-type event Council leader Malhoon Bucklehead revealed.
Under the Freedom of Information act, he was forced to expose the cost of the annual free festival had soared from £18 to £20.39p in just three years.
This year the festival also hosted the European Playing For Matchsticks Championships which boosted the local economy. £20,000 was taken through dope and booze sales and this was donated to a drug and alcohol disabled centre.
Now Mr Bucklehead is dreaming of seeing Robbie Williams live in Gloucester Park. He said:
"I have a dream, a dream that little white boys and little black boys will walk to school hand in hand. I have a dream, oh yah man!”
Mr Bucklehead went on to say, he was "leaning towards" the big event.
LONDONER VISITS BASILDON AND IS SHOCKED BY OLD FASHIONED VIEWS.
Eastender Tony Obigonwobi visited Basildon last Tuesday and was disappointed.
'A cum farame londin, an' I has never sin noting lik it. Been an Eastlondinner meself I fort dat it would be lik my home, but day all de talking funny. Wah, none of 'em knows anydink about wat life is de like in Londin is now. Da all dink dat Commercialishal Road is still full of whaiyties de talkin' about de Knees Up Mommy Brown. No more whaiyties in dat part of de town anymore. De Bow Bells 'as ben renamed Bow Drums. An de Pettycoat lane is now Massive Lane. Wiv all de stalls owned de by we Yardies. I am meself a Yardy wiv me brothders and me sistererers all wearing bling and cavern crutch trousers man.
Wat is de happining in dis town of Basildon? Is like da all livin' in de past. While I was der doe I put a Trinidadian penny up an old whaiyty man arseol an' gave 'im a good knock on de face. Den 'a give a good love up to some fat mumma wiv de long massive clit. Den I set ma Pitbull on 'er an' it pulled out an toof on 'er looppy lip.
Des people round dis place give me de creeps, cause da all talkin' about de good 'l days in Londin wen day don't never ben dare for million years. Yush!'
HAPPY WOMAN STEPS IN DOG PILE.
By Calsberg Clarkenwell.
SALLY Blackhead (37) told Basildoneye about the dog excrement that she stepped into while in a happy mood.
‘I was thinking about my new boyfriend Ed Boodle at the time. The sun was out and the flowers were in bloom. Bird song floated to my tender ears and I thought that today was the happiest day in my life. I was dressed in my best mini and on my finger was the engagement ring Ed had bought me. I looked up into the clear blue sky. I felt so happy that I started to skip. It was then my foot stepped into a pile of dog shit. I slipped and did the splits. My crotch exploded with pain. Later Ed left me because he thought I was ridiculing his father who is bandy.
FARMERS WIFE PUT HORSE EXCREMENT IN HUSBANDS CURRY
By Nancy Nicecake
 Disgruntled wife of local farmer Melvin Spillage fed her estranged husband a curry containing horse excrement after their relationship broke down. Hanna Spillage, 47, pleaded guilty at Basildon Magistrates Court to culpable and reckless conduct against husband Melvin.
During the hearing, defence solicitor Jack Straw likened the case to ‘an episode of Emmerdale Farm.’
Hanna told the court that on 13 March, after placing the dinner in front of her husband and watching him start to eat it, an extraordinary expression spread across Melvin’s face.
At first she claimed she had laced the dish with human arse residual but then confessed she had added horse excrement instead.
The court heard that the couple tilling the fields together 21 years but in recent years their relationship "had hit an all time barnstorm’
Mrs Spillage claimed had endured ‘continued farmyard abuse’ over a period of about five years, which had taken its toll on her.
She said Mr Spillage had routinely questioned his wife's Cow milking skills and had started looking for a needle in a haystack venture without her.
Hanna added: ‘At that time, I believed he had started an affair with one of the sheep.’
Following her arrest for the incident, Mrs Spillage was banned from going anywhere near chickens or the barn in Plotlands.
The couple have now begun throwing pig shit at each other.
Deferring sentence until 1 November, the magistrate, Mr. Worzal Gummage said that he felt it would be wise if Melvin Spillage went into a sulk and ordered Hanna Spillage to eat more oats and drink more cider.
Remember the police are not considered as a gang of gun carriers, because they represent right minded authority.
NO ENTRANCE TO BASILDON UNDERGROUND.
The multi-million pound Basildon underground rail system has no entrance.
'This is an astonishing oversight', said New Labour Councillor Eric Blow (37) 'The ten year underground building project that was to give local commuters tube travel from Laindon all the way east to Pitsea, then north to Burnt Mills, then west to Dodge City has been left with no way to board the trains. This also means no exit either. The train drivers can't get out. They have been driving around in circles since the project was opened by the Queen in 2003.'
DO YOU KNOW CRAZY PIZZAMAN
 THIS is the e-fit of a pizza deliveryman who shoved his face into the gun of a hoodie before giving away a pizza and a double portion of garlic bread.
The 18-year-old victim was showing off his new £30 gun when a pizza deliveryman confronted him by pulling a pizza on him.
Investigating officer Det Con Coshi Brown said: ‘This was a bizarre, yet harrowing attack on this young man. You don't expect to have a pizza pulled on you when showing off your gun.’
"The poor gunman has been traumatised by the ordeal.
"We need to identify this pizzaman and get him off the streets as he is a menace and a nuisance to hoodie gunmen everywhere.
Police dog-handlers carried out a search of the area in the immediate aftermath of the event, but nothing was found except a brown paper bag.
The pizzaman is described as skinny and spotty wearing dangerous glasses, in his early teens, between 4ft 5in and 8ft and 6in tall.
He had a dark pizza.
HOLES IN TOILETS MYSTERY
 Melvin Splash (47) leader of Basildon council said that holes have appeared in public toilets.
'The holes are not due to wood or metal decay, but seem to have been deliberately drilled in the separating cubical partitions. I have inspected the holes and they all are of the same diameter, 2". What on earth could be the possible explanation? The question of voyeurism is out because the punctures are not at eye level, and all are in male compartments. I deduced that the apertures were not for looking through, no, but for the passing of objects. So, what kind of object could pass through? An umbrella came to mind, but that seemed absurd. Then it struck me - bananas! Obviously school boys have been passing bananas to one another. Now that this mystery has been solved by me, Melvin Splash your local council leader, you will deem fit to vote for me again. Remember, I've got my eye on the ball.'
BASILDON TUBE STRIKE
Thousands of Basildon Underground staff are to vote on strike action in a row over not having a Tube.
The union said it had spent 10 months in 'fruitless attempts' to hold meaningful negotiations with a non-existent American management.
Basildon Underground Tube (BUT) said Basildon should have a tube station and warned that if a tube line was not built within ten years they would go on strike. Talks collapse in heap.
‘Rather than balloting for strike action, BUT should be putting their shovels into the ground and start digging.' said an American business man.
BUT general secretary Bob Butt said: ‘We have spent months trying to get someone to negotiate sensibly with us. We have now reached the end of the tunnel. We can avoid industrial action by not taking it. BUT members are prepared dig a tunnel to the Leisure Centre to defend the jobs they do not have.’
The last Basildon Tube-wide strike was in the summer of 1876 when BUT members lived in hovels, ate cow turds for dinner and drunk Aristocratic urine. They took industrial action over stage coaches not coming to Basildon.
The ballot will end in mid-central 2014 and any strikes could end halfway at the start of next month.
FLAREON: GOD OF FIRE ILL
Flareon the God of Fire was taken to Basildon Hospital last night for emergency treatment.
He was striding through the town centre proclaiming that he would smite all before him in a furnace of white hot flame if he were not obeyed.
'Bow before me mortals or I will cauterise thou very eyes and burn your bodies in the flames of hell. I will sear the skin from your bones and cook you upon the volcanic heat of mine own hearth. Tremble in front of me and feel the sharp spark of my flaming sward!'
Then he tripped over a buggy and fell into the Mother and Baby Fountain.
FACE OF JESUS SEEN IN MAN'S FACE
Throngs of Christians are flocking to Basildon this week to witness what many are calling a modern miracle: the face of Jesus Christ, clearly visible in the face of Felmores resident Barry Campo (57). "In this face, God is sending us a clear message," said Gordon Watkins, 38, manager of Primarks and evangelist for Church of the Seven Capitalists. "He is telling us that His son is returning sometime."
Marie Henna (48) who made the pilgrimage from Wickford, said, 'I was amazed at how cheap the clothes are in Primarks.'
The image, which sceptics are dismissing as a simple trick of the light, has also been reported to cry tears of blood when vigorously punched.
LOCAL WEST HAM SUPPORTER HAS IDENTITY CRISIS.
 Bert Maulie (46) is from West Ham and if proud of his team.
'There is nuffin' like good old East London boys. All these bloody foreigners coming 'ear and diluting our English blood. West 'am, West 'am hit the blacks 'ive Hammers!'
When it was pointed out to Maulie that eight of the West Ham team are black he said, 'No there not. Not proper blackies, they all come from East London and that's good enough, so shut your pan!'
When told that two of the players come from Ireland and one from Scotland, Maulie shook his fist and shouted, 'Shut your pan! Shut your bloody pan!'
And what about Yossi Benayoun who was born in Beer Shaeva? Maulie said, 'Beer, beer, if he like beer, then 'e is one of us. Up the Hammers! Give me a pint'
Javier Mascherano comes from San Lorenzo, Santa Fe, Argentina. At this unwelcome fact Maulie punched the barman and was arrested. As he was taken away, he shouted, 'What's happing, what's it all about, where's my MUM?'
Bus Driver Fired For 38,000 Text Messages
 A Basildon bus driver has been sacked
for sending 38,000 text messages on his company mobile phone in a losing effort to win contest jackpot, a spokesman said Tuesday.
Lesley Verney, a bus driver on the Wickford route, ran up a bill of £20,000 with his text messages while trying to win a £100,000 SMS contest that ended June 30, transport spokesman Herbert Butler told Basildoneye.
"A bus drivers' monthly company phone bill is supposed to be limited to £5.
"Varney sent an average of 1,200 SMS text messages a day, each costing 25p, on his work mobile phone."
Varney told Basildoneye he wanted to buy a second car with his possible winnings.
"Now I'm without work," he said, leaning on the bar in the Towngate. When told his story will be written in text, he flew into a fit.
|